Old and New Jokes

What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?

Rhesus Pieces.

Voy a contarles mi historia. No es una historia de amor ni tiene un final feliz, pero es la única que tengo por haber nacido así: FEO, muy FEO.

Cuando nací, el doctor fue a la sala de espera y le dijo a mi padre Hicimos lo que pudimos…pero salió.

Mi mamá no sabía si quedarse conmigo o con la placenta.

Como era prematuro me metieron en una incubadora… con vidrios polarizados.

Mi madre nunca me dio el pecho porque decía que solo me quería como amigo. Así que en vez de darme el pecho, me daba la espalda.

Es por eso que debo haber quedado petiso, tan petiso que en lugar de ser enano, soy profundo. De chico iba por los cuarteles para que me gritaran: ¡alto!, ¡alto!.

Yo siempre fui muy peludo. A mi madre siempre le preguntaban: Señora, a su hijo ¿lo parió o lo tejió?.

Mi padre llevaba en su cartera la foto del niño que ya venía en la cartera cuando la compró.

Pronto me di cuenta que mis padres me odiaban, pues mis juguetes para la bañera eran un radio y un tostador eléctrico.

Una vez me perdí. Le pregunte al policía si creía que íbamos a encontrar a mis padres. Me contesto: No lo sé; hay un montón de lugares donde se pudieron haber escondido.

Y para colmo era muy flaco, tan flaco que un día metí los dedos en el enchufe y la electricidad erró la patada. Era realmente flaco: para hacer sombra tenía que pasar dos veces por el mismo lugar. Pero mi problema no era ser tan flaco sino ser FEO.

Mis padres tenían que atarme un trozo de carne al cuello para que el perro jugara conmigo.

Si amigos, yo soy FEO, tan FEO que una vez me atropelló un auto y quedé mejor.

Cuando me secuestraron, los secuestradores mandaron un dedo mío a mis padres para pedir recompensa. Mi padre les contestó que quería mas pruebas.

Yo creo que no pagaron el rescate porque en casa éramos muy pobres. Pero eso sí, a pesar de nuestra situación económica, somos muy honrados. Mi padre era tan honrado que un día encontró trabajo, y lo devolvió.

Por eso tuve que trabajar desde chico. Trabajé en una tienda de animales y la gente no paraba de preguntarme cuánto costaba yo. Un día llamó una chica a mi casa diciéndome: Ven a mi casa que no hay nadie. Cuando llegué no había nadie.

A mi mujer le gusta mucho hablar conmigo después del sexo. El otro día me llamó a casa desde un motel.

El psiquiatra me dijo un día que yo estaba loco. Yo le dije que quería escuchar una segunda opinión. De acuerdo; además de loco es usted muy feo, me dijo.

Una vez cuando me iba a suicidar tirándome desde la azotea de un edificio de 50 pisos, mandaron a un cura a darme unas palabras de aliento. Sus palabras fueron: En sus marcas, listos…

El último deseo de mi padre antes de morir era que me sentara en sus piernas. Lo habían condenado a la silla eléctrica…

Q: What do you call a guy with one testicle?

A: The una baller

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "Ill just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep."You went out drinking last night, didnt you?" she said."Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?""You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

This was sent to me by a person who wishes to remain anonymous to protect His/Her good standing with collegues at work. Im guessing they dont have as good a sense of humor as this individual 🙂

I heared of one funny product warning which was supposedly printed on a condom box:

Warning: If this product should be found ineffective, then Happy Fathers Day!

1. Demonstrate the skills needed to decorate a wedding cake and how to conceal weapons.
2. Be forced to make her cell mattress with sheets from her K-Mart collection.
3. Embroider her monogram on her lively orange jumpsuit.
4. Teach prison workers the fine art of nouvelle cuisine.
5. Create whimsical centerpieces out of cigarette butts and playing cards.
6. Soften the entrance of the prison with decorative wreaths made of barbed wire and chicken bones.
7. Paint a charming window scene in her prison cell.
8. Weave sun hats for daily outings to the highway for trash pickup detail.
9. Decoupage license plates.
10. Be tortured in solitary confinement with her own television show played 24 hours a day.

My favorite mail today was a long, white business envelope marked Personal in red, addressed to Resident.

Putting the Ten Commandments in public schools would be great, if the kids in public schools could just read.

Putting the Ten Commandments in schools will stop violence just like Just Say No stopped drug use.

Wouldnt it be nice to have a self-cleaning refrigerator? We have the next best thing in our house; two teen age boys!

In 10 years there will be radio stations playing classic rap?

My dog wants to know who was the person of questionable intelligence who determined humans would eat three times a day while a dog would only eat once.

Was the weather as bad and as frightening before the invention of Doppler radar?

If love isnt a game, why are there so many players?

To all the critics of the Phantom Menace: You have just turned to the dark side of the Force. Guess what? It IS supposed to be a kids movie. Get a life!

We have a local radio that believes a better variety of todays hit music is the same three songs over and over again.

As a woman, I married a man with the same qualities as my father – just like psychologists said I would. However, my next husband is going to be just like my MOM!

I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.

Seen on a bumper sticker: I suffer from CHILDREN, a sexually transmitted disease.

Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with the boys.

I told the misses that I would be home by midnight…promise!

Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized shed probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 oclock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said shit, cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled.

A man was being interviewed for a job.

Were you in the service? ask the interviewer.

Yes, I was a marine, responded the applicant.

Did you see any active duty?

I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.

May I ask what happened?

Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.

Well, that wont interfere with the job, and your qualifications are excellent, youre hired. Can you can start Monday at 10 am?

10 oclock? When does everyone else start? I dont want any preferential treatment because of my disability.

Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you, nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.