Old and New Jokes

Cats arent clean, theyre just covered with cat spit.

Did you hear that the man who invented the Do Not Back Up, Severe Tire Damage
device is now working on a birth control invention?

Two hippos are sitting in the middle of a river in Africa. I dont know where, just one of those rivers that you see hippos lolling around in. And, is it hot? Im telling you, you could die from the heat. Its like 150 degrees and not a breath of breeze.

Theres nothing moving except the slowly flowing river and maybe a fly or two buzzing around the hippos. The only parts of the hippos showing are their little ears sticking out of the water and their little bulgy eyes and their nostrils and theyre just sitting there, side by side, hour after hour.

Every once in a while a fly lands on one of their ears and they wiggle the ear and it flies around and lands again. Nothing stirs. Hour after hour they sit.

All of a sudden one of this hippos raises its big head out of the water and slowly shakes it. The other hippo then raises his big head out of the water and says, What?.

And the first hippo says, I dont know Clyde, all day long I cant get it through my head that todays Tuesday…

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.

They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling.

After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, OK, so which one of you was playing the yellow ball?

A mans house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.

Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.

Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in 3 more times without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him, Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?

The man replies, Im turning over my mother in law.

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor.

The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.

As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place …

Tower: Sir, do you need any assistance?

Cobra: I dont know, tower, we aint done crashin yet.

A scottish guy with the kilt and whole deal walks into a bar in Cuba. He walks up to the bartender and being Scottish he wants to see if he can get a drink for free.

He asks the bartender, Can ya pour me a wee bit o Scotch?.

You got money?, asks the bartender.

Nay, I havna any cash but Ah was hoopin you could spot me wee drrrink..

We dont do free drinks!, responds the bartender and promptly ignores him. While thinking about how to swindle a drink a guy comes in with a big bushy beard and a cigar in his mouth.

He walks up to the bar and mutters (in Cuban accent), Castros Men and receives a free beer no questions asked.
v
This happens again, guy with the beard and cigar and so gives the Scottish guy an idea.

He hails the bartender and mutters to him, Castros Men.

The bartender looks him up and down and says, You dont look like you have a beard and cigar!.

The Scottish guy lifts his kilt and says, Aye! Secrret Serrvice!.

Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A: A flat major.

How do you know if an Asian has been in your house?

– Your dog is gone and your homework is done.

Two black people are in a car. The first black persons name is Carl the second black persons name is Steve.
Q: Who is driving?

A: A cop.