Old and New Jokes

667, Neighbor of the Devil.

Yo mama so poor she put a paper over a TV screen to order a movie on paper-view.

Well, if theres any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum! 🙂

From the New England Journal of Medicine:

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over womens breasts is good for a mans health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients – half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so.

The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease. Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation, explains Dr. Weatherby. Theres no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier.

Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.

…hmmm – I wonder if PC boobies count?

P.S: Ive already volunteered myself to science just in case they want to do a hands on study of the same type…woo-hoo!

Chilhood: When you make faces at mirror. Middle age is when mirror gets even.

Bald man: A person who has lot of face to wash and very little hair to comb.

Marriage: An institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a women gets her master’s.

Doctor: Who cures your ills by pills and kills you by his bills.

Alimony: A mode of payment that enables a women who at one time lived happily married to live happily unmarried.

Indian Film Heroines: If they display their assets, the producer recovers his liabilities.

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter

what kind of man she would like to marry.

I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest,

said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest,

said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to

marry.

The youngest daughter replies, I would like to marry a man

with one draggin on the ground.

The following is a list of modern curses, curses appropriate to the modern times, because the old ones are no longer relevant. People will appreciate being cursed with curses with which they can personally identify.

May your personal organizer crash
May you be always stuck in rush hour
May hackers use your name
May Revenue Canada (or the I.R.S.) do an audit
May your diet fail
May your liposuction oversuck
May your hair fall out, and your teeth fall in
May your children be academically minded and stay at school forever
May traffic officers hate you
May your accountant be honest
May your children sue, grabbit and run
May your opposite gender boss desire you
May your air conditioning fail
May your laptop crash
May a computer take over your wife
May your mechanic be incompetent
May you be flammed of the net
May your dog eat your remote
May the save function always fail
May global warming flood your beach house
May your web site win The Most Awful Web Site Award.

These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri:

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means dont do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. If they sing without music, it is called Acapulco.
I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.
Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields.
My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A harp is a nude piano.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.
Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
I cant reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is its too tangled up.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
Tubas are a bit too much.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?
My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
Q: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
A: Yes.

Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.

Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a lightbulb there and the other to play harp.

A man goes into a bar one evening and is surprised to see a ferret with no teeth, on the bar. He asks the barman what the ferret is for.

That, sir, says the barman,is a gentlemans pleasure.

So saying he puts the ferret down the front of the mans trousers. The ferret scurries around for a minute and then gives the man the best blow job hes ever had. Afterward, he asks the bartender if he can buy the ferret for $500.

No can do, he says, it cost me a lot, what with the dental work and everything.

The man then offers $1000 and the bartender accepts. That night the man takes the ferret home and goes into the kitchen where his battle-axe wife is eating chocolates. He puts the ferret on the table and says: Look what I bought for $1000. Its a gentlemans pleasure.

What do you expect me to do with it?

asks the witch.

Teach it to cook and then fuck off! says the man.

Vinnie walks into a store. He says to the salesgirl, I want to buy some toilet paper.

She says, What colour would you like?

He says, Give me white. Ill colour it myself.