Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!

Women goes into a bar with a duck under her arm.

Bartenders says whatll the pig have.

The woman says, thats not a pig, thats a duck!.

I know says the bartender, I was talking to the duck.

Una pareja de raza negra decide impresionar en la fiesta de disfraces de unos amigos. El marido le pide a su mujer que se encargue de alquilarle un disfraz original… La mujer va a la tienda y le trae un disfraz de Batman.

Pero mujer, ¿cómo se te ocurre traerme este disfraz? ¿acaso has visto alguna vez un Batman negro?

La mujer, muy contrariada, va en busca de otro disfraz… y le trae al marido un disfraz de Superman.

Pero por Dios, a quien se le ocurre… primero de Batman, ahora de Superman… ¿Cuando narices has visto un Superheroe negro? Anda vete a la tienda y que te lo cambien de inmediato.

La mujer que estaba hasta el gorro de su marido, y aprovechando que se encontraba en la ducha, le deja encima de la cama: tres botones blancos, un cinturón blanco, y un palo de madera.

El marido al ver ese conjunto de elementos encima de la cama, y muy sorprendido le pregunta a su mujer:

Pero bueno… ¿qué es todo esto?

Muy sencillo cariñito… Si te pegas en el pecho los tres botones blancos puedes ir de ficha de dominó… o bien si prefieres te colocas el cinturón y vas de Galleta Oreo… y si no te gusta ninguno, te puedes meter el palo de madera por el culo, y vas de Helado de Chocolate.

17 percent of all car-crashes are caused by drunken drivers. So 83 percent of all crashes are caused by not-drunken drivers.

Why cant this sober guys stay off the streets and help us increase the safety of our car-traffic by mor than 400 percent?

You might be a redneck if…
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

You might be a redneck if…
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

What Congress means by ethics is best explained by the tailors story:

Suppose I sell a suit to a young man for $200. He tells me that
his family is footing the bill and that if I give him a receipt
for $400 to give to his parents, he will pay me $100 on the side.
The question of ethics is: Do I keep the extra $100 myself, or
do I tell my partner and split it with him?

You know you have been in Finland too long, when…

You rummage through your plastic bag collection to see which ones you should
keep to take to the store and which can be sacrificed to garbage.
As you walk past the Parliament Building in Helsinki, and see the statue
titled Svinhufvud you no longer read it as Swinehead… instead you think
What a good Swedish name!
When a stranger on the street smiles at you:

you assume he is drunk
he is insane
hes an American

You dont think twice about putting the wet dishes away in the cupboard to
dry.
A friend asks about your holiday plans and you answer Oh, Im going to
Europe! meaning any other Western European country outside Scandinavia.
You no longer scrunch up or fold your paper money. You always put your money
in your wallet.
You see a student taking a front row seat and wonder Who does he think he
is?!
Silence is fun.
The reason you take the ferry to Stockholm is:

duty free voldka
duty free beer
to party heartly… no need to get off the boat in Stockholm, just turn
around and do it again on the way back to Finland

Your coffee consumption exceeds 6 cups a day and coffee is too weak if there
is less than 10 scoops per pot.
You pass a grocery store and think Wow, it is open, I had better go in and
buy something!
Your native language has seriously deteriorated, now you begin to eat
medicine, open the television, close the lights off, and tell someone you
needent to! Expressions like Dont panic creep into your everyday language.
You associate pea soup with Thursday.
Your idea of unforgivable behavior now includes walking across the street
when the light is red and there is no WALK symbol, even though there are no cars
in sight.
Your notion of streetlife is reduced to the few teenagers hanging out in
front of the railway station on Friday nigts.
Your bad mood becomes your good mood.
Sundays no longer seem dull with all the stores closed, and begin to feel
restful instead.
No comment becomes a conversation strategy.
You finally stop asking your class Are there any questions?
The fact that all of the vs and the ws are together in the phone
directory seems right.
Your old habit of being Fashionably late is no longer acceptable. You are
always on time.
Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.
You begin to understand Jussi Jyylanpaarvis broadcast of the hockey game.
You refuse to wear a hat, even in -30 degree weather.
You hear loud-talking passengers on the train. You immediately assume:

they are drunk
the are Swedish-speaking
they are American
all of the above

You give up on trying to find fat-free food and pile on the butter, cream
and sugar.
You know how to fix herring in 105 different ways.
You eat herring in 105 ways.
You no longer look at sports pants as casual wear, but recognize them as
semi-formal wear.
You can now reconstruct the missing letters on a building. For example
MERI………LIITTO OY.
You have undergone a transformation:

you accept mustamakkara (Black-blood sausage) as food
you accept alcohol as food
you accept

You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.
You no longer have to search for the flushing mechanism.
You no longer see any problem wearing white socks with loafers.
You no longer correct people who say MAC Donalds.
You just love Jaffa.
Youve come to expect Sunday morning sidewalk vomit dodging.
You know that religious holiday means lets get pissed.
You enjoy salmiakki.
You know that mens public bathroom is another phrase for sidewalk.
You know that more than three channels means cable.
You get all the Swedish jokes.
When youre hungry you can peel a boiled potato like lightning.
Youve become lactose intolerant.
You accept that 80 degrees centigrade in a sauna is chilly, but 20 degrees
centigrade outside is freaking hot.
You cant understand why people live anywhere but in Finland!!!

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

115. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, Psst! Is it gone?