Old and New Jokes

Why didnt Wynona Ryder take the stand, during her trial?





Because, it was bolted to the floor!

Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.

A mouse on a vacation.

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

A Polak was jumped by two muggers and fought like hell, but was finally subdued.

His attackers then proceeded to go through his pockets. You mean you fought like that for 57 cents? asked one of the muggers incredulously.

Is that all you wanted? moaned the Pole. I thought you were after the $400 in my shoe!

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier
and says, Ah, youre an engineer youre in the wrong place.

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the
engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After a while, theyve got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, So, hows it
going down there in hell?

Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going
to come up with next.

God replies, What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake, he should never
have gotten down there; send him up here.

Satan says, No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping
him.

God says, Send him back up here or Ill sue.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right. And just where are you
going to get a lawyer?

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,

I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter

Who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,

And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law

And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,

For she was my fathers wife.

To complicate the matters worse,

Although it brought me joy,

I soon became the father

Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became

A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,

Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,

Then that also made him brother

To the widows grown-up daughter

Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Fathers wife then had a son,

Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,

For he was my daughters son.

My wife is now my mothers mother

And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,

Shes my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,

Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,

It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become

The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,

I am my own grandpa!

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a flesh wound, which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

12. Nuclear weapons will never go off because something will always happen about three seconds before one does to stop it from exploding.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like Rick, or Steve.

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, Whens the last time you got any sleep? They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

19. The aliens will always be overpowered by the humans in the end though their fighting may result in a lot of casualties and destruction.

20. If everyone in a team dies, its the last mans job to win the fight against his enemy.

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.

After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.

The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.

Mister, the patrolman said to the driver, I think the best way to charge you is hauling wood without a truck.

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in his town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

PRIEST: Sister, I dont think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. Ill sleep on the couch and you take the bed.



SISTER: I think that would be okay.



They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later…



SISTER: Father, Im terribly cold.



PRIEST: Okay, Ill get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later…



SISTER: Father, Im still terribly cold.



PRIEST: Okay Sister, Ill get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later…



SISTER: Father, Im still terribly cold. I dont think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.



PRIEST: Youre probably right… Get up and get your own blanket.