Old and New Jokes

A teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.

The teacher answered quickly, That would be the Titanic. St. Peter let her through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didnt REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: How many people died on the ship?

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered almost immediately, 1,228.

Thats right! You may enter.

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, Name them.

(translated from a joke by Fernando Herrera)

The animals in the forest are bored, so they decide to organize an orgy. The lion, being the king, states the rules of the party:

Nobody can mate with an animal of the same species.
No condoms can be used.

All the animals hail the lion and the public rejoicing starts.

Shortly, the king decides to check whether all the animals are obeying the rules, so he looks around and sees the elephant wearing a condom.

LION – My elephant, you are disobeying me by using a condom! Youll have to be punished!

ELEPHANT – No, see, its the boa sucking my dick …

A farmhand is driving round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, Ive got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and hes stuck in thebull-bars of my truck. Hes still wriggling — what should I do? "In the back of your truck theres a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush.""So whats the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

What kind of job do you do? a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.

Im a naval surgeon, he replied.

Goodness! said the lady, How you doctors specialize these days!

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?
She would like something electric.
The husband replied, How about a chair?!?

A lion in the London Zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when
a visitor turned to the keeper and said, Thats a docile old thing, isnt it?

No way, said the keeper, its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged an Australian tourist into the cage and completely devoured him.

Hardly seems possible, said the astonished visitor, but why is it lying there licking its arse?

The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth.

Entra un gamín a un bus y se para al lado de un señorita muy elegante y bien vestida.

La muchacha saca un perfume de su bolsa y comienza a aplicárselo. El gamín se le queda viendo fijamente sin perder ningún detalle, hasta que ella molesta le dice:

Perfume francés: 50 000 el frasco.

Y el gamincito se tira un peo y le dice:

Frijoles con arequipe: 500 lalibra.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about

something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.



When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.



She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.



But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.



Well the teacher couldnt figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. Its a period, reported Johnnie.



Well I can see that, she said. But what is so exciting about a period.



Damned if I know, said Johnnie, but this morning my sister said she missed one….



Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!
If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, theyll hate me forever, he thought. So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he snuck inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.Did you hear that Fluffy died? the neighbor asked.
Oh. Uhmm… Sorry to hear that. What happened? Chris mumbled. The neighbor replied: We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the

day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When youre swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, thats a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.