Old and New Jokes

Od Man fishing in the greek to younger man who arrives to start fishing also: Where yu bin the last week son?

Young man: I got me married.



Old man: Whod ya marry son?



Young man: I married Mary Lou.



Old man: Why shes so ugly, why dya marry her, is she a good cook?



Young man: Nope.



Old man: Is she good in bed?



Young man: Nope.



Old man: Is she pregnant?



Young man: Nope.



Old man, still watching his float: Why in tarnation dyou marry her for then Son?



Young man, baiting his hook: Shes got the worms.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; shirt front is wet.

Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part
of face.

Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with
as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste ; Beer unusually pale
and clear.

Fault : Glass is empty.

Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.

Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom : Feet warm and wet.

Fault : Loss of self-control.

Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog – After a while complain to its
owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom : Bar blurred.

Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Bar swaying.

Fault : Air turbulence unusually high – maybe due to darts match in progress.

Solution : Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom : Bar moving.

Fault : You are being carried out.

Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar – if not complain
loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it.

Fault : You have fallen over backwards.

Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm,
stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and
dog-ends.

Fault : You have fallen over forwards.

Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot
see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.

Solution : Check your watch to see if it is opening time – if not treat
yourself to a lie in.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim.

Fault : The pub is closing.

Solution : PANIC !!!!!

A pair of cowboys, Tom and Bob, were tending a herd of cattle being driven to market. Tom said to Bob I got me a real bad set of cracked lips from all this sun we been gettin, know of anything thalll help em.

Bob thought a moment and then said Let me tell you what an old timer did during the big drive in ought five for his chapped lips.

Tom wishing to relieve the discomfort said tell me, tell me so I can do it.

Well what you got to do is stick your finger way up your horses ass and get as much shit as you can and then smear it on your lips Bob recounted.

With a puzzled look on his face Tom asked that will cure my chapped lips?

No, but it sure as hell will keep you from licking em was Bobs response.

Real Subtitles from Hong Kong Movies ————————————-

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. You with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldnt steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, Ill burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or Ill spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or Ill blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I shouldve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. Ill fire aimlessly if you dont come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your legs hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.

20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.

21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

You might be a redneck if…
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS…. SANTA CRUZ STYLE…

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and…

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

Diary of a New Snow Shoveler

Decenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea Ive ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, well definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says well have so much snow by the end of winter, that Ill never want to see snow again. I dont think thats possible. Bob is such a nice man Im glad hes our neighbor

December 14th Snow, lovely snow! 8 last night. The temperature dropped to –

20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didnt realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but Ill certainly get back into shape this way. I wish I wouldnt huff and puff so.

December 15th 20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wifes car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think thats silly. We arent in Alaska after all..

December 16th Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel

Decenber 17th Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when shes right. More shovelling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said theyre to busy playing hockey. I think theyre lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think hes lying..

December 22nd Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of white shit fell today, and its so cold it probably wont melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says hes too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23rd Only 2 of snow today. And it warmed up to

0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…nuts?> Why didnt she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think shes damn well lying.

December 24th 6. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, Ill drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where Ive just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25th Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes an idiot. If I have to watch Its A Wonderful Life one more time, Im going to kill her

December 26th Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was ALL HER idea. Shes really getting on my nerves.

December 27th Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28th Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29th 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. Thats the silliest thing I ever hear. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30th The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her Mother. 9 predicted.

December 31st

Set fire to whats left of the house. No more shovelling.

Januare 8th I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.Why am I tied to the bed?????

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Pyjamas!
Pyjamas who?
Pyjamas around me and hold me tight!

Un niño, que sale corriendo y llorando de una casa, se topa con un policía. El uniformado trata de consolarlo:

¿Qué te pasa?

¡Es que mi mamá me quiere vender!, responde espantado el pequeño.

¿Por qué, dices eso?, pregunta intrigado el hombre.

Es que mi mamá es criada en esa casa de allá, y oí que el patrón le preguntó: ¿Cuánto por el chico?

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading.

A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis?



Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.



Well, Ill be damned, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.



The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?



I dont have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.