Old and New Jokes

A: To corrupt the other side.

Frequently, I get a strip of coupons or other
promotional items from a little printer at the
checkout of my local grocery.

Coupons emerge as a thank-you for purchasing a
product, or based on some other derived data.

Yesterday, after buying a couple pints of Ben &
Jerrys Ice Cream (my favorite bad-for-me snack
food), I got the following checkout coupons in
sequence:

Save 55c on Two(2) Pints Ben & Jerrys Ice Cream
Free High Cholesterol Survival Guide

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.
Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead
of one?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A: There is a stamp on it.

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment RENT FOR APARTMENT. On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that; 1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasnt any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you dont have enough furniture to fill it, please dont blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

This class was a religious experience for me… I had to take it all on faith. Text makes a satisfying thud when dropped on the floor. The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree. His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame. Textbook is confusing… Someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it. Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? Thats the way I felt all term. In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it. Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot. The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him. Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room. In class the syllabus is more important than you are. I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his class. Help! Ive fallen asleep and I cant wake up! Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material. Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing — its a great stress reliever. He is one of the best teachers I have had… He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments dont hurt his chances of getting tenure. I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. Theyve got a cool nest in the tree. He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high. This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity kicked in. Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted. The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon. TA steadily improved throughout the course… I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up. Information was presented l

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say…

IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN

Translated:* I have no idea how it works.

TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOURE WORKING TOO HARD.

Translated:* I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

Look at their reserve, their calm, muses the Brit. They must be British.

Nonsense, the Frenchman disagrees. Theyre naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.

No clothes, no shelter, the Russian points out, they have only an apple to eat, and theyre being told this is paradise. They are Russian.

Q: How many IKEA shop assistans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, we ran out of light bulb stock. We expect it to arrive early next month. We do have ladders though! You just go straight on, then left and then right. No, thanks, anytime.