Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
Im a big girl I wont cry,
Im just glad that cows dont fly.
15
Jan
15
Jan
de-caffinated
15
Jan
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.
15
Jan
A red carnation!
14
Jan
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to screw in the bulb and the other four to call out Get Back!, Get Back!.
14
Jan
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of
physics.
14
Jan
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: A labrador.
A3: An indicator of a really bad hangover
14
Jan
I dont repeat gossip. So listen carefully…
14
Jan
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe hes a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off.
For starters, the vast majority of men dont even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, Im convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree – still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzens rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, hed still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa cant possibly be a man
Men cant pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by being seen with all those elves
Men dont answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a bowlful of jelly.
Men arent interested in stockings unless somebodys wearing them.
Having to do the Ho-Ho-Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men:
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definitely a guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Coles version of The Christmas Song, it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
I just wish shed quit dressing like a guy!!!
14
Jan
From modernhumorist.com
One Hollywood exec said he wouldnt be surprised if the movie rights to the election of the century were already being negotiated. Its got all the ingredients—a mysterious electoral college, weird tabulating procedures, missing ballots, lawsuits—as well as photogenic lead characters.
– Variety
Uncountable
Dir. M. Night Shyamalan
In this supernatural thriller from the creator of The Sixth Sense, an election is not what it seems. Gore (Bruce Willis) is haunted by the memory of losing Palm Beach County by a narrow margin. His son, Al Gore III (Brad Renfro) tells him, I see missing ballots. An election law expert (Samuel L. Jackson) tries to find the truth. Please do not reveal the surprise ending (Gov. Carnahan is dead!).
How the Grinch Stole the Election
Dir. Ron Howard
Ralph Nader (Abe Vigoda) plots to steal away as many votes as possible from the gentle Gores in Goreville (Tennessee). Aided by loyal Cindy Lou-Who (Ani Difranco), Nader-Grinch seeks to confuse the voting populace with his tales of giant corporations and government corruption.
Voter in the Dark
Dir. Lars von Trier
An elderly Florida woman (Bjork) gradually loses her eyesight while casting the deciding Palm Beach vote.
Armageddon 2
Dir. Michael Bay. Prod. Jerry Bruckheimer
Fade in: The terrorist bombing of the USS Cole ($30 million). Cut to: A retirement community in Palm Beach, Florida, which explodes ($25 million). Cut to: Al Gore (Nicolas Cage) and George W. Bush (Ving Rhames) engaged in martial-arts combat atop the U.S. Capitol ($16 million). Fade out to end credits ($11 million).
The Presidential Erection
Writ. Joe Ezterhas
A Miami stripper (Yasmine Bleeth) becomes involved in an erotic triangle with two presidential candidates (David Caruso and Kyle MacLachlan). On the eve of the election, she chooses her allegiance to one, and the other demands a recount.
Untitled Woody Allen Fall 2000 Project
Al Gore (Stanley Tucci), a neurotic presidential candidate, has to take stock of his life when his rival (Sean Penn) wins the election. But a strange fortuneteller (Judy Davis) helps Gore go back in time and teach comical Jewish retirees how to fill out their ballots correctly. Only after Gore falls in love with a beautiful but klutzy ballot designer (Natasha Lyonne) does he find true happiness.
Plan 9 From Palm Beach
Dir. Ed Wood
Aliens, posing as chads, try to take over the democratic process by re-animating the residents of Palm Beach retirement condos. Starring Bela Lugosi as George W. Bush, Tor Johnson as Karl Rove and a piece of aluminum-covered cardboard dangling from a string as Al Gore.
Also in production:
A Few Good Democrats
Dir. Rob Reiner, Prod. Harvey Weinstein
Theres Something About Cheney
Dir. Bobby and Peter Farrelly
Jing Cha Gu Shi (a.k.a. Ballot Attack Fury)
Dir. Jackie Chan
The Infected Boil
Dir. David Cronenberg
The Disputed Hole (a.k.a. The Swinging Chad)
Dir. Phillip Kaufman
This film is rated NC-17.