Old and New Jokes

La hiena es un animal que vive en el norte de África; come carroña y se aparea una vez al año, expone la maestra a sus alumnos.

A ver, Jaimito, ¿qué entendiste?

La hiena es un animal que vive en África; come carne podrida, y se aparea una vez al año.

¡Muy bien, Jaimito! Tú, Pablito.

La hiena es un animal que vive lejos, en África, creo; come carne podrida y ve a su pareja una vez al año.

Mmm… Bueno, has aprendido algo. ¿Y tú, Pepito?

Yo sólo tengo una pregunta maestra: la hiena, con lo lejos que vive, la porquería que come y lo poco que ve a su pareja, ¿de qué carajos se ríe?

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.



Youve got to have a room somewhere, he pleaded. Or just a bed, I dont care where.



Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy, admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. Im not sure itd be worth it to you.



No problem, the tired Marine assured him. Ill take it.



The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Howd you sleep? Asked the manager.



Never better.



The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?



Nope, I shut him up in no time. Said the Marine.



Howd you manage that? asked the manager.



He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room, the Marine explained. I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, Goodnight, beautiful, and he sat up all night watching me.

Things You Hate About Working At Mickey Ds:

People who say uh or um 50 billion times.

People who add shit at the second window.

People who have to add an A in between the M and C for anything that starts with Mc, Such as McChicken or McNuggets.

People who upsize there meals after theyve ordered 50 billion meals.

People who want no salt on their fries, just get over it!

People who ask you if youre lovin it.

People who pay entirely in change.

People who walk all over your wet floor. Theres a sign, so go around.

People who cant turn off their windshield wipers when they pull up in the drive thru.

People who bring in food from another place, and leave the trash on the table.

People who are too damn big to get in the playland who actually get in the playland.

Fat people who get enough food for 10 skinny people.

People who cant find a certain item on the menu board, look around people. Thats what its there for!

People who order something, and know absolutely nothing about it.

People who ask for combos. It isnt god damn bojangles, we have value meals!

People who have nothing better to do than hang out at McDonalds.

More to come…

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but Ive slept with dozens of them.

His wife looked at him calmly and said, Why do you think I gave you the poison?

Have you heard of the new all-black version of a Shakespearean comedy
called As You Likes It?

A blonde owned a small business that she was about to lose, so she went to the church and prayed: “God, if I dont win the lotto, I will lose my business.” She didnt win. So the next day she was about to lose her business and her car. She went to the church to pray: “God, if I dont win the lotto, I will lose my business and my car.” Still, she didnt win. So the next day she was about to lose her buisness, her car and her house. She went to the church to pray: “God, if I dont win the lotto, I will loose my business, my car and my house.” Then suddenly the blonde was surrounded by a blinding white light, and she heard the booming voice of God declare, “Buy a ticket.”

Young
Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s
getting tired of it.
He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink
says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas
is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa.
If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave
a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”
Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father
asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want
a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up.
When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going
around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want
to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”
On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into
a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs
and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside,
looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and
walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What
did Santa bring you this year?”
Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog,
but I can’t find the son of a bitch!”

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: How many times have you cheated on your wife?

The first one answers Never! St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.

The second man answers Oh, about 25-30 times. He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way.

The third man answers Maybe 400-500 times and is assigned a bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to why the sad face?.

Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!

Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Boss, to four of his employees: Im really sorry, but Im going to have to let one of you go.Black Employee: Im a protected minority.Female Employee: And Im a woman.Oldest Employee: Fire me, buster, and Ill hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast itll make your head spin….To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:I think I might be gay…