Old and New Jokes

40. Oh I just couldnt. Hell, shes only sixteen.

39. Ill take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape wont fix that.

37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

36. Come to think of it, Ill have a Heineken.

35. We dont keep firearms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You cant feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, its just not safe.

30. Wrasslins fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. Were vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. Ill have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we dont need another dog.

24. Whos Richard Petty?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldnt find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. Ill have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. Ive got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffanys.

11. Ive got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. Shes too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, heres an episode of Hee Haw that we havent seen.

05. I dont have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. Im drivin tonight.

Una pareja de sexagenarios acude a la consulta de un terapista sexual. Sin más preámbulos, el caballero le dice: ¿Doctor, pudiera usted observarnos mientras tenemos un coito?

El médico queda un poco atónito, pero acepta. Cuando la pareja termina, el doctor les dice: No hay nada de malo en la forma como ustedes lo hacen, y les cobra $32.

Esto sucede varias semanas seguidas. La pareja hacía una cita, llegaba, tenían relaciones sin problemas, pagaban al doctor y salían.

Finalmente el doctor les pregunta: ¿Qué es exactamente lo que ustedes están buscando? ¿cuál es el problema que tienen?

El viejo le dice:

Mire doctor, le voy a ser sincero. Ella es casada y no podemos ir a su casa, yo soy casado y no podemos ir a mi casa. El Holiday Inn cobra $50, el Hilton $78; aquí lo hacemos por $32 y el seguro me reconoce $28.

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? Ive got a splitting headache.

Certainly, honey, he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, Say, said the druggist, arent you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?

Yes, I am, said the officer.

Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chiefs uniform?

You own a vehicle with an Ollie North: American Hero sticker.

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to change it back again.

Whats the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?

The first lady thinks for a minute and says, Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime.

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, 7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up.

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, Jack Daniels.

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor.

The third lady says, Yep, thats my Larry!

Skeet shooting the shuttle craft
Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
Giving Worf A nuggie
Ordering Pizza from Dominos then going 30 min. into the future just to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Folgers crystals
Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self destruct sequence
Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
Calling down to the transporter room, ask if theyve beamed aboard Prince Albert In A Can
Tribble sex!

10. Youll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than

a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.


9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and

stuffing with an ice cream scooper.


8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.


7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to

the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat

with toilet paper.


6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car,

bedroom larger than a 12×14 cell… OK, even if it is for

only four days.


5. To eat your meals the only trek youll have to make is

from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the

dining hall…in below freezing weather.


4. Instead of listening to when I first started teaching

here… you can be entertained by when your mother was your

age… and during the Depression we werent lucky enough to

have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the

sprout!


3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than

popped in your microwave


2. Youll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

1. You wont be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

You might be a redneck if…
Its easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.