Old and New Jokes

Backups? We don NEED no steenking backups.

You know you are drinking too much coffee when:

You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
Youre the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you dont even work there.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other peoples fingernails.
Your T-shirt says, Decaffeinated coffee is the devils blend.
You can type sixty words per minute……with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named Joe.
You dont need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
You dont sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
Youve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize its not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
Youve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Youve worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
Instant coffee takes too long.
When someone says. How are you?, you say, Good to the last drop.
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
Youre offended when people use the word brew to mean beer.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can thread a sewing machine, while its running.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You dont even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a drip is a compliment.
You dont tan, you roast.
You cant even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the students immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.
Well, he responded, I guess youll just have to learn to write with your other hand.

One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door,
so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the
homeowner to give him a push.What! the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in
the drunks face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks
him who it was. Just a guy wanting a push, the husband says.Why didnt you help him? the woman asks.Because its 3:30 in the morning! the husband yells.The wife, slightly angry now, says, Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him.Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not
seeing the man or his car, he yells out, Where are you? You said you wanted a push!The drunk calls out, Im over here!Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, WHERE?!The drunk yells back, OVER HERE, BY YOUR SWING SET!

A young man approached his family physician and said, Doc, Im afraid youll have to remove my wifes tonsils one of these days.

My good man, replied the doctor, I removed them six years ago. Did you ever hear of a woman having two sets of tonsils?

No, the husband retorted, but youve heard of a man having two wives, havent you?

If I were ol Santa, you know what Id do
Id dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

Id give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old colour that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

Id bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
Id draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till youd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

Id remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldnt spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
Youd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldnt hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when theyre right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks youre a nervous old granny.

Youd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles wont ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, youd never look stupid
Youd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

Id give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! Im not Santa. Im simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms Ive got
But Im due at my doctors for an estrogen shot.
Even though weve grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.

Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a yes man when he is really a yes maam.

Why fart and waste when you can burp and taste?

En una playa rescatan a una persona que se había ahogado. Llega rápidamente un hombre, se agacha se le monta encima, le abre la boca y empieza a chupar, en cada chupada saca agua.

Pasa rato y sigue sacándole agua. Una persona que estaba al lado, que está viendo todo, le dice:

Oye, como no le saques el culo del agua vas a secar el mar.

Headline:

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation