Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Deduct!
Deduct who?
Donald Deduct!

I like to make jokes about ugly people. I figure whos gonna complain?

-Gallagher

After having their eleventh child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin did not want to have any more children.The vet told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.A less costly alternative was to go home, get a cherry bomb (as fireworks are legal in Arkansas) light it, put it in a beer can and then hold it up to his ear and count to ten. The husband said, I may not be the smartest guy in the world but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.Trust me said the vet. So the husband went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held it up to his ear and began to count: One,Two,Three, Four, Five, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could resume counting on his other hand.This procedure also works in Oklahoma, Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi and West Virginia.

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.

Hungry, Seymour? the Lord asked.

I could eat, said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry, and Seymour again said, I could eat. Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, Lord, I am very happy to be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just dont understand.

To be honest, Seymour, the Lord said, for just two people, does it pay to cook?

A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked How would you like it if you didnt see me for a couple of days?!?

That would suit me just fine!! the man said.

Monday went by, and the man didnt see his wife.

Tuesday went by with the same result.

Wednesday went by with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

Yo mammas so stupid she got trapped in a bathroom and wet her pants!

What do the KKK and steroids have in common?

They both make blacks run faster.

Bruce Lee is not dead – Hes just kicking around somewhere.

NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN AMERICA

Afro-American Speak — Ebonics (or We-Beonics)

Irish-American Speak — Leprechaunics

Native-American Speak — Kimosabics

Italo-American Speak — Spumonics (or Rigatonics)

Chinese-American Speak — Won-tonics

Japanese-American Speak — Mama-san-ics

Polish-American Speak — Kielbasanics

Jewish-American Speak — Zionics

Russian-American Speak — Rasputonics

Spanish-American Speak — Flan-ics

Scottish-American Speak — Tartan-ics

Eskimo-American Speak — Harpoonics

German-American Speak — Autobaunics (or Teutonics)

Candain-American Speak — EH?onics

Florida Democratic Voters Speak — Moronics

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peters holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says Here you go and goes to leave when the forester says Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?

St. Peter says: Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.