According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
A Penguin in a revolving door.
You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees
another blonde woman with a Porsche that has
broken down on the side of the road. She stops to
ask whats wrong.
The owner of the broken Porsche
said, I just had a look under the hood, well,
while I was driving somebody had stolen the
engine.
The other said, Oh, dont wory, I have a spare
one in the back of my Porsche.
Dos compadres el dÃa despues de la borrachera, están con su resaca. La esposa de uno de ellos les prepara unos chiles bien picosos… un compadre le dice al otro:
Oiga compadre.
SÃ, ¿compadre?
Se me esta saliendo el moco.
¿Por el chile compadre?
No como cree compadre, por la nariz.
There once was a man who when he married his wife he swore never to eat baked beans because things happened when he did. one day when he took a 5 mile walk after 2 miles he got very hungry. ahead of him was baked bean stand. he was so hungry he had to have some. when he was finished eating he got very hyper and started to fart. since he still had 3 miles to go he thought it would wear off.
when he stepped into his house his eyes were covered with a blind fold. i have a surprise for you said his wife. okay he said he sat down at the table when the phone rang. he than realized eh had to fart. he let out a little bit. than a little bit more. finally he let out all of it. when his wife came back she took off the blind fold and sitting in front of him were 12 guests.
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first. Tell me, said the doctor, if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life? The inmate said, It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful. Wonderful, said the psychiatrist. Or else, continued the patient, I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people. Definitely, said the psychiatrist. Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution. Another interesting possibility, agreed the doctor. And finally, if none of these things appeals to me… I can always continue to be a teakettle!
Two Jews walk past a church and see a big sign saying Convert to Christianity and well pay you £500.
Moishe turns to Avi and says What a great offer…why dont you go in there, take the course, say youve converted to Christianity, and then well spend the cash!
Avi says Brilliant idea. You wait outside and Ill get the money.
An hour goes past. Then 2 hours.
Finally, after 5 hours, Avi comes out of the church.
Moishe asks: Well?
Avi: Well, now I believe in Jesus, the father, the son, and the Holy Ghost.
Moishe: No, no… what happened to the £500.
Avi: Thats the problem with you Jews…you only ever think about money..!!
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked,
What are those for?
The elderly gentleman replied, There are just two things I cant stand…
the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber!