Old and New Jokes

Whats the difference between a terrorist and a wife?

You can negotiate with the terrorist!

A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom something awful and couldnt hold it for another minute. Not wanting to upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the back door for another priest to help him out but there wasnt a priest to be found.
Suddently the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and the priest grabbed him and said, You just gotta help me out. I have to go to the bathroom and the line is so long.
Its very simple, said the Priest. There on the wall is a chart … column A lists the sins and column B lists the penance. Just find the sin on the chart and tell them what their penance is.
The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while the priest hurried away to the bathroom.
The very next person in line entered the booth and began … Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Its been two weeks since my last confession. Last night I let my next door neighbors wife give me a blow job. Thats it, Father.
The janitor looked at the chart but got frantic when he couldnt find blow job anywhere on the chart. Panicking, he opened the back door to look for a priest but there was still not a priest to be found.
Suddenly, the altar boy walked by and the janitor grabbed him and stammered, Quick, what does the father give for a blow job?
Two snickers and a Coke, replied the boy.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?


A. Noah-he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.


Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?


A. Pharaohs daughter-she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?


A. Ruth-less.

Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?


A. Nebuchadnezzar-he was on grass for seven years.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?


A. Samson-he brought the house down.

Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?


A. They were really put out.

Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?


A. They raised Cain.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?


A. Your mother ate us out of house and home

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?


A. David-he rocked Goliath to sleep.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?


A. German Shepherds.

Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?


A. Turn right and go straight.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?


A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?


A. The area around the Jordan-the banks were always overflowing.

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?


A. When Joseph served in Pharaohs court.

Q: Which Bible character had no parents?


A: Joshua, son of Nun.

Q: How do we know that they played cards in the ark?


A: Because Noah sat on the deck.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, youll have lost at least five pounds.



When the blonde returns, shes lost nearly 20 pounds.



Why, thats amazing! the doctor says. Did you follow my instructions?



The blonde nods. Ill tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. From hunger, you mean? said the doctor.



No, from skipping, replied the blonde.

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

A 76 year old man went to the doctor for a sperm count. The doctor gave him a jar with a lid on it and told the old man to bring him back a sample.

The man returned in about three hours with an empty jar. The doc looked at him and said, Wheres the sample?

The old man looked at the doc and said, Well, its like this doc. I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with my right hand. My wife tried with her left hand and she tried it with her right hand. She even tried it with her teeth in and her teeth out and we couldnt get the damn jar open.

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behaviour.
At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own loo.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, one says, but we have no one to go to with our own problems.

Since were all professionals, another suggests, why dont we hear each other out right now?

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, Im a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.

The second admits, I have a drug problem thats out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.

The third psychiatrist says, I know its wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just cant keep a secret.

Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?

A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Mum caught little Johnny jerking his meat off one day.

She told him – Johnny dearest, good boys save it till theyre

18.

Johnny did. And by 18, he had 11 jars full!