On the first day of school, a 3rd grade teacher told her class: Now that you are grown up, I dont want to hear anymore baby talk. Id like each of you to tell us what you did during the summer vacation. Well start with Billy.

Billy: I went on a long trip with my family in the putt-putt.



Teacher: No, Billy, its not a putt-putt. Its a car. No more baby talk. Sally, youre next.



Sally: We went on a trip on a choo-choo to see Grandma.



Teacher: Sally, its not a choo-choo. Its a train. Please no more baby words. Mikey, what did you do?



Mikey: I didnt go anywhere. I stayed home and read my favorite book.



Teacher: And whats the name of the book.



Mikey looked embarrassed and shook his head.



Teacher: Come on, Mikey. Youre a big boy now. Tell us the name of the book and dont use any baby talk.



Mikey looked up, blushed, and said: O.K. ….. Winne-the-Shit!

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

Youre not going to have time to finish this, the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

Yes I will, replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

No you dont, Im not going to accept that. Its late.

The student looked incredulous and angry.

Do you know who I am?

No, as a matter of fact I dont, replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

Do you know who I am? the student asked again in a louder voice.

No, and I dont care. replied the professor with an air of superiority.

Good, replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Never volunteer for anything.

Self starters…will not.

Smile…. It confuses people!

Heres why……

Im tired. For a couple of years Ive been blaming it on iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason: Im tired because Im overworked.

The population of USA is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And youre sitting there reading this.

No wonder Im tired; Im the only one working.

You might be a redneck if…
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.

From the day of their wedding, Sarah has been nagging her husband about
his past. Come on, tell me, she asks again, how many women have you
slept with? Honey, he says, if I told you, youd just get angry.
No. I promise I wont, she begs. Well, if you insist. Lets see, one, two, three, four, you, six, seven…

1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask prices of everything on the menu and then order something that you did not ask the price for.
3. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
4. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said May I take your order?
12. When asked if they can take your order say Why, can I take yours?
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
14. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. Thats it.
17. Dont order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Dont break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

Youd better watch out,

Youd better not cry,

Youd better not pout;

Im telling you why.

Santa Claus is tapping

Your phone.

Hes bugging your room,

Hes reading your mail,

Hes keeping a file

And running a tail.

Santa Claus is tapping

Your phone.

He hears you in the bedroom,

Surveills you out of doors,

And if that doesnt get the goods,

Then hell use provocateurs.

So – you mustnt assume

That you are secure.

On Christmas Eve

Hell kick in your door.

Santa Claus is tapping

Your phone.