Old and New Jokes

The biggest fear of any computer user is that you just blew several grand on a clunker thats not even fit for a boat anchor.

Try these dead giveaways on for size:

The monitor is certified for low emissions by JiffyLube.
The logo on your receipt: International House of Lame Computers.
The infrared cordless keyboard has only 15 keys, and one of them is marked Fast Forward.
You see the salesman you bought it from hawking genuine Rolexes on street corners.
The sound board and speakers are a separate unit, and they receive only AM.
The ad slogan: Ronald McDonald just grew up.
It has only two expansion slots, and they just popped up a couple of rounds of toast.
Its labeled energy saving only because theres no power supply.
You just got another one with your Happy Meal.
The sticker reads nothing of value inside.

A man frantically calls 911 and says, help…my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart.

911: is this her first child?.

Man: Of course not, you idiot…this is her husband!

A Doberman in a childrens playground!

Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time and when he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out the front.

Neville thought to himself, I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house then I will get fired. So he went up to the door and knocked on it.

To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered. Neville breathed a sight of relief and said to the other bloke, Wheres ya bin?

The man replied, I bon on olidays,

Neville then said, Na, mate, wheres ya BIN?

I bin on olidays I tell ya, was the reply.

Neville, slightly frustrated, says, Na, ya fucken idiot – wheres ya Wheelie Bin?

The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening. Well, he said. I weally bin in jail – but Im tellin everyone I bin on olidays, eh!

The Holiday Nightmare

(to the tune of Santa Claus is comming to town.)

You better give up
On Christmas this year–
You havent a chance
With relatives here–
Sam and Roz are coming to town.

Theyre bringing thier kids
To add to your fun–
Theyre staying ten days;
You thought it was one–
Sam and Roz are coming to town.

Theyll monopolize your bathroom;
Theyll destroy your sol-i-tude;
They will eat you out of house and
home,
Then complain about the food.

Theyre only one way
To save your No-el–
You give em your house;
You take a hotel–
Sam and Roz are comming to town.

Three prostitutes — a mother, daughter and grandmother — lived together.
One night the daughter came home looking very down.
How did you do tonight, dear? asked her mother.
Not too good. I got only 20 dollars for a blow job.
Wow! said the mother. In my day we gave a blow job for 5 dollars.
Good God! said Grandma. In my day we were just happy to get something
warm in our stomachs!

Una vez un mexicano, un francés y un estadounidense estaban discutiendo acerca de quien era el hombre más rapido.

El francés les dijo: Yo me subo a la torre Eifel y lanzo dos huevos, bajo corriendo, salgo y los cacho.

Luego el estadounidense dice: Yo soy más rápido. Subo a la Estatua de la Libertad, lanzo un billete de dólar, bajo corriendo, abro la bolsa de mi pantalón y el dolar cae dentro.

Después el mexicano dice: Yo me subo arriba de la Torre Latinoamericana, saco el culo, cago tres mojones..

Y lo interrumpe el francés: No me digas que bajas y cachas tu mierda.

Y le dice el mexicano: No, pendejo. ¡Bajo y me veo el culo!

Un turista regresa a su país con un pollito que le habían regalado de recuerdo. En el avión, la azafata le explica que no se pueden llevar animales; así que el viajero sale, se esconde el pollito en los calzoncillos y vuelve a entrar al aparato. Se sienta al lado de una monjita y se echa a dormir.

Más tarde, el pollito saca la cabeza por entre la bragueta del hombre; mira tiernamente a la religiosa y emite un pío, pío. La mujer se alarma y se dirige al paseante:

¡Despierte, rápido, despierte! Mire usted que yo no entiendo mucho de esto, pero me parece que se le rompió un huevo.

You Just Might Be A Redneck If…



Youve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

Jack Daniels makes your list of Most Admired People.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.



Anyone in your family ever died right after saying,

Hey, yall watch this!



Youve got more than one brother named Darryl.

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wifes hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.



You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,

Gentlemen, start your engines.



The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

Ya cant get married to yer sweetheart cause theres a law against it.



You dated one of your parents current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is Dueling Banjos.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

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