Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

A plumber, an electrician, a dentist and a programmer are fast friends:
buddies for life, eternal bachelors..until the programmer announces he is
getting married. Never ones to pass up a golden opportunity, the three
compadres find out the name and location of the hotel where the programmer will
be honeymooning, and bribe the desk clerk to let them in to rig a few
welcome surprises.

A week after returning from the honeymoon, the programmer meets his buddies
in a bar for drinks, and half-heartedly chuckles with them over the gags.
Pointing to the plumber, he comments Yeah, the drippy faucet you couldnt
turn off was a neat trick. And to the electrician: And a flickering
table lamp with no off switch was cute, too. Then, shaking a fist at the
dentist But, you! YOU! Novacaine in the Vaseline was one cheap shot!

Steven Swinkels, Manager, UTS CASE Development, Amdahl Corporation

“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods. He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms. Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to marry.” “Why?” asked the man, smiling. “I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!” she replied.

There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring…they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe.

One day, they battled a tribe of farily large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home…but the chanting and joyesness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe.

The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldnt stow thrones.

En la escuela de Pepito, entra la maestra a su salón y les dice:

Niños, el día de hoy toca la clase de sexología, y el tema es la masturbacion.

Ni tarde ni perezoso Pepito la interrumpe y le dice:

Maestra, y los que ya cogemos ¿nos podemos ir?

Cuando Abraham va a la escuela, descubre que es el único niño judío en la clase; pero como era un pueblo decente nadie lo molestaba. Un día, la maestra pregunta a la clase:

¿Quién es la persona más admirada que jamás haya vivido y por qué?

Para hacerlo más interesante sostiene un billete de 20 dólares en la mano y promete:

Quien dé la mejor respuesta obtendrá estos 20 dólares.

Todos los niños empezaron a decir lo que ellos pensaban.

George Washington, porque es el padre de los Estados Unidos, dijo uno.

Eso está muy bien.

Abraham Lincoln, porque liberó a los esclavos, sugiere otro.

Muy bien.

Juana de Arco, porque salvó a Francia, asegura una niña.

Otra excelente opción, acepta la maestra.

Entonces Abrahamcito levantó la mano. La maestra le interroga:

Abraham, ¿quién crees que fue la persona más admirada que jamás haya vivido y por qué?

Jesucristo, responde Abraham.

Impresionada, la maestra responde:

Abraham, estoy muy sorprendida. Clase, yo creo que todos estamos de acuerdo en que Abraham es quien debe obtener estos 20 dólares, y le da el dinero a Abraham.

En el recreo, la maestra sigue impresionada y le pregunta a Abraham que por qué Jesús.

Mire, personalmente pienso que la persona más admirada que jamás haya vivido es Moisés, pero… business are business!

Una adolescente de catorce años va con su mamá y le dice que desde hace un par de meses no tiene el período.

Preocupadísima, la mamá compra en la farmacia un test de embarazo y el resultado de la prueba es positivo. Gritos, imprecaciones, lamentos, lágrimas…

Que quién ha sido el cerdo, que quiero saberlo, que ahora se lo dices a tu padre, etc., etc.

La chica, una vez a solas, toma el teléfono y hace una llamada. Media hora después se detiene ante la casa una Ferrari último modelo, de la que sale un tipo maduro y distinguido, de pelo entrecano, vestido impecablemente con un elegante traje que se adivina carísimo. Toma asiento en el salón ante el padre, la madre y la hija y dice:

Buenos días. Vuestra hija me ha informado del problema. Sin embargo, yo no puedo casarme con ella porque tengo otra situación familiar, aunque me haré cargo. Si nace una niña, le puedo legar 3 tiendas, 2 apartamentos, una villa en el mar y una cuenta de $ 500 mil dólares. Si nace un niño, el legado será un par de fábricas, además de los $ 500 mil. Y si nacen gemelos, una fábrica y $ 250 mil us para cada uno. En cambio, si pierde el embarazo…

En este punto el padre, que había permanecido callado todo el tiempo, se levanta, le apoya una mano en el hombro y le dice:

¡Te la echas de nuevo!

This blonde calls this rural fire dept. all excited she says come quick my barns on fire, my barns on fire.

The dispatcher says calm down now just tell us how to get there.



She says oh, Dont you have that big red truck anymore?

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, Midnight, just like I said.



She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said Shit!, cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.

To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying to frob a
frob. See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if hes carefully adjusting it
he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
screen he is probably twiddling it; but if hes just doing it because
turning a knob is fun, hes frobbing it.