Old and New Jokes

How do you make a black guy scared?

Take him to an auction.

Even the futures not what it used to be.

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were
each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy
their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to
another and said, So, what did you bring? The second
convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become
the Grandma Moses of Jail. Then he asked the first, What
did you bring? The first convict pulled out a deck of cards
and grinned and said, I brought cards. I can play poker,
solitaire and gin, and any number of games. The third convict,
who was a Vol fan, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The
other two took notice and asked, Why are you so smug? What
did you bring? The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He
said I brought these.

The other two were puzzled and asked – What can you do with
those? He grinned and pointed to the box and said – Well
according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming,
roller-skating….

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was, Dont.Dont what? Adam asked.Dont eat the forbidden fruit, God said.Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!No way!Yes WAY!Dont eat that fruit! said God.Why?Because Im your Creator and I said so! said God, wondering why he hadnt stopped after making the elephants.A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. Didnt I tell you not to eat that fruit? God asked.Uh huh, Adam replied.Then why did you?I dunno, Eve answered.She started it! Adam said.Did Not!DID so!DID NOT!Having had it with the two of them, Gods punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

I saw a notice on a bulletin board in Church one day. It read:

All girls who want to be Alter boys please see the Minister – Dr. Smith after last Mass today

You might be a redneck if…
You think mud rasslin should be an Olympic sport.

Q: Why do reindeer have red noses?

A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesnt have an airbag, either).

Q: Why does Santa use Elves?

A: There is no trade union for Elves. Theyre easy to exploit.

Q: Is there really a Mrs. Claus?

A: Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures (Elves, reindeer named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual preference seems to tend towards homosexuality. He is said to have some problems finding a gerontophile/zoophile Elf for a threesome with a reindeer, though.

Q: Does Santa really live on the North Pole?

A: Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and the North Pole has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that Santa is known to frequently ask the Elves and reindeer if he can shove his pole up north. Obviously, this is related to the cryptic description up where the sun dont shine, which applies to both the North Pole and assholes in general.

Q: Does Santa really work all year round making toys?

A: Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does it say Made on the North Pole? (Made in China, more likely)

Q: Then what does he DO all year?

A: Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he spends his winters in Florida.

Q: Is the story about the little angel and the Christmas tree true?

A: Without a doubt. Santa has a temper and can develop a nasty attitude (he doesnt take stress too well).

Q: If so, why do the little angels on Christmas trees look happy (given the fact they have a tree up theirs)?

A: Little angels are known to be kinky.

Q: Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?

A: Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine guns.

Q: So Santa is basically a gun-crazy, homosexual, angry old man who exploits little Elves, fools around all day, and drives around in a sleigh that lacks basic security measures?

A: You forgot about the bestiality thing.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain

cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Thats why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

A boy and his Father visiting from a third world country were at The Mall of America.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his Father What is this Father?.

The Father responded Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I dont know what it is!.

While the boy and his Father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The Father said to his son Go get your Mother.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Willis!
Willis who?
Willis rain ever stop!