Official Announcement: The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the governments political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while youre actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesnt get more accurate than that.

Why does a woman close her eyes when shes having sex?

Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!

Men always miss them.

On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to her little boy – who kept answering her in Hebrew. And each time the mother said, No, no, talk Yiddish! An inpatient Israeli, overhearing this, exclaimed, Lady, why do you insist the boy talk Yiddish instead of Hebrew? Replied the mother, I dont want him to forget hes a Jew.

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. 2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs 3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken. 4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. 5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.) 6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain? 7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council. 8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANERS WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. 9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness. 10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car. 11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesnt know it, there is a day care on the first floor. 12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. 13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. 14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door – the bell doesnt work.) 15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Take the test…NO CHEATING!

What does: A woman do sitting down? A man do standing up? A dog do on three legs? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Got your guess ready yet? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? GET YOUR MIND OUR OF THE GUTTER! ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? They shake hands!

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP, Sept. 2, 2002) – Senate Majority Leader Ray
Noorda (P-Utah) today demanded that the Department of Justice order
Microsoft and Netscape to cease development of new Internet browsers,
saying the ever-escalating battle for Internet dominance had sapped the
American economy of its vitality.
In an impassioned speech before the Perotista-controlled Senate, Noorda –
once a key figure in the information technology industry – claimed
American workers and shoppers are so consumed with downloading new
browser versions, Netscape plug-ins and Microsoft ActiveX Controls that they no
longer have time to produce anything of value or to consume products. We
have been transformed from a nation of thinkers and doers to a nation of
downloaders worried about whether we are keeping up with the
technological Joneses, Noorda said.
Noordas comments came only a day after Netscape released Version 407 of
its Navigator browser, which includes the ability to listen to AM radio
from any laptop. Version 407 had just completed its 37-hour beta trial,
while versions 408-441 are in development. (Microsoft, which has been
criticized of late for slipping behind Netscape in the browser race,
vowed to deliver Version 405 of its Internet Explorer before the next
major religious holiday, though company spokesman Jim Manzi de-clined
to specify which religion the company was referring to.) Mark Gibbs,
author of IDG Books bestselling Deleting Old Browsers for Dummies, said
the continuing instability in the Internet market has virtually halted
development of new applications. How can you build to a platform that
only lasts 51 days? asked Gibbs. The only apps being developed now
are crossword puzzles and 3-D, rotatable crossword applets.
According to research firm International Data Corp., the average PC user
now has 62 browsers installed. That has significantly limited the
usefulness of the desktop machine because each browser/operating
system/object bucket/API repository consumes a minimum of 1G bytes of
storage and requires 256M bytes of RAM to operate (somewhat less if the
touchscreen option is disabled). Intel Corp. recommends the use of at
least a 757-MHz Decadium processor to support current browsers.
There is no capacity left to run any other application, said IDC Chief
Executive Officer Bob Frankenberg. Our PCs, in essence, are simply
containers for browsers.
In the late 1990s, it was hoped that the browser model of accessing
information would actually allow for the development of simpler, less-
expensive desktop devices that would rely on applications and data housed
on Internet servers. But the dream of the so-called Internet device died
with the release of Internet Explorer Version 231, which cracked the
800M- byte storage requirement and supported some 250,000 ActiveX
Controls.
Its a shame, really, said former Oracle CEO Lawrence Ellison, who was
a vocal proponent of the Internet device idea at the time. We could have
been freed from the Web of Microsoft control, no pun intended. But Bill
outmanuevered us again, added Big Larry Ellison, who now runs
the Used Cars R Us operation on the Auto Mile in Redwood City, Calif.
In response to Noordas call for federal intervention, the Justice
Department issued an electronic press release available on its Web site
(www.bookem.com). We firmly believe the free market is the best arbiter
of whether development should continue on Web browsers and servers.
(This statement best viewed with Internet Explorer Version 396.)

That it didnt matter how late I scheduled my first class, Id sleep through it.
That I could change so much and barely realize it.
That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
That college kids throw airplanes too.
That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.
That every clock on campus shows a different time.
That if you were smart in high school, so what?
That I would go to a party the night before a final.
That Chem Labs/ Architecture studios take up more time than all my other classes put together.
That you can know everything and fail a test.
That you can know nothing and ace a test.
That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.
That Home is a great place to visit, But I wouldnt want to live there.
That most of my education would be obtained outside of class.
That friendship is more than getting drunk together.
That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about.
The free food server until 10 is gone at 9:50.
That Sunday is a figment of the worlds imagination.
That Psychology is really Biology.
That biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Math.
That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
That its possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends.
That friends are what makes this place worthwhile!

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats up – you look so excited!

The groom replies, I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.

Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honour notices this and says, Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats up – you look so excited!

The bride replies, I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuuming.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you whats bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Neither does any dishes.

7. Neither notice when you get your hair cut.

8. Both like dominance games.

9. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Neither understands what you see in cats.