Old and New Jokes

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats up – you look so excited.

The groom replies, I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats up, you look so excited.

The bride replies I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.

There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.

Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.

In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil, Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in
the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski , and his
homosexual partner Andrew Kiki Farnum, had been admittedfor emergency
treatment after a fetching session had gone seriously wrong. I pushed a
cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in, he
explained. As usual Kiki shouted out Armagedon, my cue that hed had
enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldnt come out again, so I
peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract
him.

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened
next, The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out
the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewskis hair severely burning his face,. It
also set fire to the gerbils fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a
larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out
like a cannonball. Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken
nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second
degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

I like the open road, but not the open plumbing.

Yo mama is so poor the last time she made bread was when she had a Yeast infection

Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

Hubby: Its not my fault…I ran out of money!

A young boy asks his Priest if God is a man or a woman. The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both. The boy then asks if God is black or white. Again the answer is both. Next question, is God gay or straight. Once more the answer is both. The boy then asks, Father, is Michael Jackson God?

Q: Why is a ship called she?

A: A ship is called a she because:

There is always a great deal of bustle around her.
There is usually a gang of men about.
She has waist and stays.
It takes a lot of paint to keep her looking good.
It is not the initial expense that breaks you, it is the upkeep
She can be all decked out.
It takes an experienced man to handle her correctly. 🙂
Without a man at the helm, she is uncontrollable. 😀
She shows her topsides, hides her bottom.
When coming into port, always heads for the buoys. 🙂