Old and New Jokes

Changing lawyers is like changing deck chairs on the Titanic.

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case …coincidence?

In a letter sent to a job applicant: Thank you for applying for the position of clerk-typist. We received many applications from very experienced and talented persons. I regret to inform you that you were chosen to be interviewed for the position. Thank you again for your interest.

As famous as the unknown soldier…

I work at the Help Desk at TCU, and as you can imagine the phones are quite busy to say the least.

One day I received this call from one of the students here asking if I had ever fingered someone.

This call totally caught me off guard, and I thought for sure it was a call from one of the fraternities on campus. I asked the student to repeat the question as I was sure I had misunderstood the question. He again asked if I had ever fingered someone.

I then laughed out loud, thinking this was a prank, another Lets get the Help Desk type of prank.

I said to the caller, arent you getting a little personal?

He then said, No, no, this is a command that is used on the VAX system.

Boy did I get egg on my face that time. I did learn a lesson however, never assume the question being asked is how it sounds, as some things do have double meanings.

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was
reading the ads in the paper.

He looked up and said, Here is a great sale on tires!

His wife replied, What do you want tires for? You dont have a car.

He came back with, I dont complain when you go out and buy a new bra!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Minerva!
Minerva who?
Minerva-s wreck from all these questions!

Briens First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.

Goebels Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does not say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you dont have a chance of seeing it before that time.

Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldnt expect tentacles to be growing from.
You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
Youre always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
You laugh out loud during funerals.
When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out RAPE! RAPE!
Nobody listens to you anymore, because they cant understand you through that scuba mask.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass youve stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
Your father pretends you dont exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
You collect dead windowsill flies.
Everytime the phone rings, you shout, Hey! An angel just got its wings!
You like cats. Especially with mayo.
You scream Ive got a knife! to people who try to sell you things.
You scream Ive got a knife! to people at your family reunion.
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligans Island, because they werent rescued.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if theyll hatch.
Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him its for security reasons.
Melba toast excites you.
When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because the napkins have ears.
You tend to agree with everything your mothers dead uncle tells you.
Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, I think Ill kill the pope today.
You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
Nearly everything you say involves the word, P-toing!
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that youre a stalk.
You think that exploding wouldnt be so bad, once you got used to it.
You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity.
People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.