Old and New Jokes

*** Actual bloopers Doctors have written on patient charts. ***

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patients past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Since she cant get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

14. She is numb from her toes down.

15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

16. The skin was moist and dry.

17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.

22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says
to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen
year old son about the birds and the bees.

So the father goes to his sons room and says, Son, do you remember that
session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?

Oh yes papa, I remember very well, says the son.

Well son, it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the
same thing.

This paper has been sent to you for good luck. The original has been worn out from having passed through the hands of so many people. It had travelled around the world 70 times

[Dear Reader: please help keep this count current. If this letter falls into your hands after just completing one more circuit of the world, please add one to the count.]

The luck has now been sent to you. You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on! Since the copy must tour the world, you must make twenty copies and send them to others.

This is no joke. Send no money.

Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.

After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of ograsms of his life.

John Elliot tried to pick up a prositute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbours.

In a suburb of Paris, Don Lorays trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?)

Do note the following:

Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had every paid her at work.

General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view. His aide, Colonel ger Bumswiver, who did not pass on the letter, tried to pick up a similar object but was fucked up the ass by a desperate gay when he bent over.

Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed twenty copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years!

Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch.

In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.

You must distribute at least twenty copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling.

Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices.

You might be a redneck if…
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names

Al terminar de hacer el amor, la mujer le pregunta a su esposo:

¿Cómo vamos a llamar al fruto de nuestro amor?

El hombre quitándose el preservativo le dice:

Sí sale de aquí, Mc Gyver.

Tres monjas siempre pasaban por donde un loro, camino al convento y el loro siempre decía tres colores y las monjitas no sabían por que, hasta que se dieron cuenta que eran los colores de sus calzones.

Las monjas deciden ir todas de un solo color y el loro dice blanco, blanco y blanco, y las monjitas no lo podían creer, así que para quitarse las dudas, las monjas van sin nada abajo y el loro dice:

¡Lacio, ondulado y recién rasurado!

Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!

One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way. Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling. "What are those big bulges in your running shorts?" she asked. "Tennis balls," answered the man, smiling back. "Wow," said the blonde, looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable."

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patients room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.The doctor asked patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, Cant you see Im sawing this piece of wood in half?The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.Patient #1 replied, Oh. Hes my friend, but hes a little crazy. He thinks hes a lightbulb. The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2s face is going all red.The doctor asks Patient #1, If hes your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himselfPatient #1 replies, What? And work in the dark?