I found this in the salon where I get my hair cut. The owner says she
feels these rules are correctly stated.

THE RULES*

For those of you who dont already know, these are the rules that are in
effect in every relationship.

The female always makes the rules.
These rules are subject to change at any time without prior
notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
If rule number six applies, the male must immediately apologize for
causing the misunderstanding.
The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
The male must never change his mind without express written consent of
the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to
be angry or upset.
The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she
wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
The female always gets the last word!

*These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit.

Actual statements from Hizzoner Mayor Marion Barry of Washington, DC.

The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather.

I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.

If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate.

First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? Im a night owl.

Bitch set me up.

I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Wheres Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less.

The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.

I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?

People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the presidents. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are.

The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice.

I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600s. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.

What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?

People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didnt break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!

I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man.

Santa Claus is a woman….I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe hes a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men dont even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, Im convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzens rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, hed still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa cant possibly be a man:

Men cant pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened having to be seen with all those elves.

Men dont answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a bowlful of jelly.

Men arent interested in stockings unless somebodys wearing them.

Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment!

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, You wanna hear a blonde joke? The person replies, I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke? The man thinks for a while and replies, Not if I have to explain it three times.

1. Constipated People Dont Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3 If You Drink Dont Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Dont Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A
Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Dont Succeed…blame Someone Else And
Seek
Counseling.
12. Impotence: Natures Way Of Saying No Hard Feelings.
13. If You Can Read This, Ive Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken… Watch For Finger.
15. Its Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The
Booger.
16. If Youre Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. Youre Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full – Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Werent Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Cant Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me Im Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next
Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. Its Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35. I Havent Lost My Mind, Its Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
36. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off… [Seen On The
Back Of A Bikers Vest]
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over… [Seen
Upside Down, On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed
For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported
To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman
Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A
Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Dont Be Sexist – Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks… Gods Revenge For Eating His Animal
Friends
51. Honk If Youve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He
Is Lost?
53. If You Cant Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With
Bullets.
54. Money Isnt Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In
Touch
55. Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
58. Peta – People Eating Tasty Animals

The following item was extracted from the travel section of a UK daily newspaper:

Travelling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable – and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on an ancient text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English.

ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE II
The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers mantra.

ARTICLE IV
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):

Cars (IV, 1, a-c): Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, i.e. in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path. Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, i.e. to oncoming truck, I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die. In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic). Single blast (casual) means I have seen someone out of Indias 870 million whom I recognize, There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen) or I have not blown my horn for several minutes.

Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn signals have the same meaning, viz, I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could. This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps (insouciant).

Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.

ARTICLE V
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.

ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

ARTICLE VII
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.

Lane discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.

ARTICLE VIII
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing – and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

ARTICLE XI
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

ARTICLE XII
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker.

(via The Mouthpiece)

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.

She thought a second, and then replied, Youre going to die.

A man goes to the Doctor and says, Doctor I think my wifes been dead for two weeks!

Dead for two weeks? What makes you think that?

Well, the sex is the same but the washing is starting to build up!

She is so blonde, she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Leona!
Leona who?
Leonaly way to go!