Old and New Jokes

Submitted by Glenn S.
I Wore What You Did Last Summer

I Suck At My Job

What Really Goes Down In The White House

How I Blew It In Washington

You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President

Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule

Going Back for Gore

Podium Girl

Secret Services to the President

Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton

Deep Inside The Oval Office

The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions

Shes Chief of MY Staff!

Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes

How To Beat Off the Government

Going Down and Moving Up

Members of the Presidential Cabinet

Me and My Big Mouth

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.The farmer simply replied, Theyre lookin to get married, so you came to the right place. Look em over and pick the one you want.The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the mans opinion. Well, said the man, shes just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice…pigeon-toed.The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.Well, the man replied, shes just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…cross-eyed.The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, Shes perfect, just perfect. Shes the one I want to marry. So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the most ugly, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.Well, explained the farmer, She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell…pregnant when you met her.

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we dont do livestock.

Yo mama so fat were in her right now

Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

I dreamed I was on vacation, one man said fondly. It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.

I had a great dream too, said the other. I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.

His companion looked over and exhorted, You dreamed you had two women, and you didnt call me?

Oh, I did, said the other, but when I called, your wife said youd gone fishing.

A man walks into a bar and he sees a guy with a foot long liter. he asks the man where did he get it? the guy replies there is a lamp by the lake rub it and the genie in it will grant you one wish. So the man runs to the lake finds the lamp rubs it and asks for a million bucks when he gets home there is a million ducks. He goes back to the bar and told the guy what happened. The guy replies You think I asked for a footlong bic?

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ellen Degeneres virusYour IBM suddenly claims its a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virusSuck all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virusMakes your whole computer go down
Disney virusEverything in the computer goes goofy
Mike Tyson virusQuits after one byte
Prozac virusScrews up your RAM but your processor doesnt care
Sharon Stone virusMakes a huge initial impact, then you forget its there
Lorena Bobbit virusTurns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Tim Allen virusAppears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Woody Allen virusBypasses the motherboard and turn on the a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virusWont let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virusTurns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michael virusRuns its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virusOnly attacks minor files
X-files virusAll your Icons start shape-shifting
Spice Girls virusHas no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Ronald Reagan virusSaves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkain virusSearches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Sony Bono virusJust when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere
Martha Stewart virusTakes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little dollies to be displayed on your desktop
Oprah Winfrey virusYour 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
AT&T virusEvery 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
MCI virusEvery 3 minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger virusTerminates and stays resident; Itll be back
Viagra virusTurns your floppy drive into a hard drive

A man walked into a stockbrokers office and said to the receptionist, I just won some money in the lottery, and I want to open an account with your %**!&%! company. Heads turned in shock at hearing the mans language. Im sorry, but we dont allow that kind of talk here, the receptionist said. Youll have to leave. I told you I want to open an account with this %**!&%! company. the man insisted. Suddenly the manager came out. Whats all the swearing about? he asked. I just won $12 million and I want to open an account with your %**!&%! company, the man replied. Oh, I see, said the manager. And these %**!&%! people are giving you a hard time?