Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the babys face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. Its all relative.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Llega un borracho a una cantina y dice:

¡Todos los del lado derecho son putos y todos los del lado izquierdo vayan a chingar a su madre!

Entonces se levanta un tipo que estaba sentado del lado dercho y le grita: ¡Oyeme, yo no soy ningún puto!

El borracho le contesta: ¡Pues pasate para el otro lado!

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.



One says, Lets fly out of the cave and get some blood.



Were new here, says the second one. Its dark out, and we dont know where to look. Wed better wait until the other bats go with us.



The first bat replies, Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere. He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.



The second bat says excitedly, Where did you get the blood?



The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, See that black building over there?



Yes, the other bat answers.



Well, says the first bat, I didnt.

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. Whats going on? Ed asked one of the crowd.

Were watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine, he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And theres a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.

I can do that! Ed said confidently.


No you cant, said Ted.


I sure as hell can! said Ed.

Youll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster, said Ted.


Watch this, said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machines back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!? Ted asked.

Remember three months ago, Ed said…


When my wife had whooping cough…?

10. It doesnt bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

9. Id be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

7. I would never date an undergraduate.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

4. I just have one more book to read and then Ill start writing.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

2. My job prospects look really good.

1. No really, Ill be out of here in only two more years.

Its So Easy
(Tune, Its so Easy)

Its with Cesium Im in love!
Its with Cesium Im in love!

People say that Im a fool,
When I take my Cesium into the pool.
And its so easy,
So doggone easy,
Yes its so easy,
Where my loves concerned,
To get myself burned.

But its with Cesium Im in love,
Its with Cesium Im in love!

I look into her flame and see,
A sky-blue light floodin over me.
Though its so easy,
So doggone easy,
Yeah its so easy,
When shes concerned,
To get myself burned.
Still its with Cesium Im in love,
Its with Cesium Im in love!

—Songs of Cesium #87

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.

2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.

3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.

4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you dont like.

5. After everything he says, say, And how does that make you feel?

6. Point at random things and say, Where did you get that?

7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.

8. Repeat over and over, Im not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!

9. Sit underneath your chair.

10. Stand on your head.

11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.

12. Never stop smiling.

13. Scream every word.

14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc…

15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.

16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.

17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.

18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.

19. Eat his books.

20. Talk to his leg.

21. Dont face him when he talks to you.

22. Talk really slowly.

23. Try to eat your hand.

24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.

25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.

26. Pretend you hear music.

27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.

28. Pretend to drink.

29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.