There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are not talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santas sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second–3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job cant be done with eight or even nine of them—Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). A mass of nearly 600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance — this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earths atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,000 gs. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim considering all the high calorie snacks he must have consumed over the years) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, hes dead now. MERRY CHISTMAS!!!
In March 1992, a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he
received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didnt send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them and talked to them about the
problem. They said it was a computer error and told him theyd take care of it.The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account he could end this ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his
credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled.He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue. Having spoken to the credit card company the previous day, he assumed the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement. It reported that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.A week later, the mans bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causin
A Chinese waiter had a particular customer who constantly made fun of his accent. Usually ordering Flied Lice and then laughing.
The waiter became upset and decided to end the joke. He practiced constantly in front of the mirror until he could say, fried rice.
Next time the man came in he said, What is good on the menu today?
The waiter replied, _F_r_i_e_d_ _r_i_c_e_, you plick.
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying NERDS NOT ALLOWED — ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender says not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You dont even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He cant let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls his shotgun from behind the seat in his cab, and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season.
Well, sure, says the patrolman, But you cant bait em.
#10 They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.
#9 Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
#8 It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
#7 It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
#6 The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
#5 Theyre too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The drivers side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
#4 The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if youre being chased. You could use the mirrors if they werent cracked and covered with duct tape.
#3 Top speed is only about 45 mph.
#2 Who wants a truck that needs a years worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield.
#1 It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
At least now, Mr. Clinton, we understand why mattresses are discounted
every Presidents Day.
Two college students, Jim and Johnny, are visiting Fort Lauderdale at spring break. Jim notices the other with females hanging on his every word hugging and carressing him, and he is puzzled.
That night as they bed down under the dock, he says, Hey, what is it with you, anyway? You got women all over you!
The other whispers, Ill tell you my secret. Slip a potato into your pants. They cannot resist you.
So the next day, Jim appears suitable adorned, and again has no luck. That night, he accosts Johnny.
Hey man, I did what you said. I put in the potato and they still wont come near me!
Well, maybe theres something wrong. Let me take a look… Oh, No! Man, the potato goes in the front, man, in the front.
Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats.
Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim, Its got power steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a drivers side air bag.
Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steves wife before, he asked, Whos that?
Oh, said Steve with a grin, another feature, my passenger-side wind bag!
- You get a threatening note made up of letters neatly cut out of a magazine with pinking shears;
- You find a slice of lemon floating in your dogs dish;
- Every napkin in your house has been folded into the shape of a swan;
- On her TV show she makes a replica of your home out of gingerbread, including your fallen-down licorice downspout and stuck-half-open, graham-cracker, garage door;
- You find your pet bunny simmering on the stove in an exquisitie, tarragon, rose-petal and saffron demi-glace.
(This wasnt written by me or about me. But it might as well have been.)
There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. Not you again, I said.
Sorry, he said, a little sheepishly. I guess you know why Im here.
Indeed I did. Microsofts $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadnt. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldnt take no for an answer.
No, I said.
You know I cant take that, he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. Come on. Just one copy. Thats all we ask.
Not interested, I said. Look, isnt there someone else you can go bother for a while? Theres got to be someone else on the planet who doesnt have a copy.
Well, no, the Microsoft man said. Youre the only one.
You cant be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer, I said. And certainly, not everyone has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear thats just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no USE for Windows 95.
The Microsoft man look perplexed. Im missing your point, he said.
Use! I screamed. Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you cant USE it?
Well, I dont know anything about this use thing youre going on about, the Microsoft man said. All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy.
People without computers?
Got em.
Amazonian Indians?
We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes.
The Amish?
Check.
Oh, come on, I said. They dont even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?
We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box, the Microsoft man admitted. We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft. He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. But thats not the point! he said. The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you.
So what? I said. If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?
If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely.
No.
Oh, back to that again, the Microsoft man said. Hey. Ill tell you what. Ill GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer. He waved the box in front of me.
No, I said again. No offense, pal, but I dont NEED it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, its a computer operating system. Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something.
It did.
Pardon?
World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple.
So what happened?
Well, you know, he said. It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldnt figure out how to make a profit off of world peace.
Go away, I said.
I cant, he said. Ill be killed if I fail.
You have got to be kidding, I said.
Look, the Microsoft man said, We sold this to the Amish. The Amish! Right now, theyre opening the boxes and figuring out theyve been had. Well be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, its embarassing. Its embarassing to the company. Its embarassing to the product. Its embarassing to Bill.
Bill Gates does not care about me, I said.
Hes watching right now, the Microsoft man said. Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. Its also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, Im a pile of grey ash.
He wouldnt do that, I said. He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident.
Oh, Bills gotten pretty good with that laser, the Microsoft man said nervously. Okay. I wasnt supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, well give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?
Terrible. Theres an active volcano there.
Its only a small one, the Microsoft man said.
Look, I said, even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? Youd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?
The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.
Windows 95… For Pets?!?!?
Theres a LOT of domestic animals out there, he said.
I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.