Old and New Jokes

I dont trust President Clinton or her husband.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a bit differently.

Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, provided theres a programmer around to explain how to do it.

A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde are riding in an elevator. The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, That looks like a cum stain!

The brunette leans over and smells the stain. Smells like a cum stain too!

The blonde leans over and licks the spot on the elevator wall, then says, Yep, but its nobody from this building.

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, “Where do you work?”
The man said, “Here and there.”
The judge asked the man, “What do you do for a living?”
The man said, “This and that.”
The judge then said, “Take him away.”
The man said, “Wait, judge when will I get out?”
The judge said to the man, “Sooner or later.”

* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that humans are not only "as innovative as they are cruel," but pretty vain as well.* Wahlbergs neglect in removing his shirt through the entire film reveals his kinship with the teen demographic: BACKNE SUFFERERS.* Fox Marketing Department determined that the ideal garment for a young apes human pet is a peach-colored dress.* All inflamed baboon buttocks in the film were edited out.* Most extras were actually disgruntled gorillas out of work since the movie "Congo." * Kris Kristoffersons surly acting style is a result of the neverending pain of "Millenium"s failure at the box office. * The imagery of the Ape armys red tents taken straight from biblical writings dealing with how women were separated from the tribe during their periods. (Charlton Hestons idea.)* Helena Bonham Carters clothing came under-budget through some seamstress creativity and Rue McClanahans wardrobe. Her wildly trendy haircut however, accounted for %15 of the films budget.* According to ape acting union, the "Ape" Lincoln Memorial had to be scrubbed down with monkey feces in order to get rid of foul human odor. Submitted by: David J. Bleecker
E-mail: DBLEEKER@nyc.rr.com

Two eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent
with a question. The big one nudges the little one and says, Go ahead,
knock on the door, knock on the door.

The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big eskimo nudges the
little one and says, Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the
question.

The little eskimo timidly says, May we speak with the midget nun that
lives here please?

The Mother Superior answers, There are no midget nuns living here.

The big eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, Go ahead, ask
her the other question, ask her the other question.

The little eskimo asks in a quavering voice, Well, are there any midget
nuns in Alaska?

The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, Why no, I dont believe so.

With this the big eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his
belly as he laughs uncontrollably. See, he says to the little eskimo, I
told you you screwed a penguin!

A church had a man in the choir who couldnt sing. Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir. The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor.

Youve got to get that man out of the choir, he said. If you dont, Im going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something.

So the pastor went to the man and suggested, Perhaps you should leave the choir.

Why should I get out of the choir? he asked.

Well, five or six people have told me you cant sing.

Thats nothing, the man snorted. Fifty people have told me that you cant preach!

She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED PERSON.She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER – She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.She is not a SLUT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.She does not GET YOU EXCITED – She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE – She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich! The panda yells back at the manager, Hey man, Im a PANDA! Look it up!



The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:



A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.