You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first days competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldnt take any more and kicked them out.

The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests….instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, Im sorry, but if theres one thing I cant stand, its chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

A cowboy rides his horse to a saloon and kisses his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks him why he did that.

I have chapped lips.

Does manure help them heal?

No, but it keeps me from licking them.

Un buen día, un mexicano y un gringo estaban divirtiéndose con el Bungee-jumping. De pronto, al yanqui se le ocurre una brillante idea y le propone al mexicano:

You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico.

(Sabes, podríamos hacer mucho dinero con el negocio de Bungee Jumping en México).

Al mexicano no le parece mala la idea, así que ambos sacan sus ahorros del banco y compran todo lo necesario para iniciar su business: las cuerdas elásticas, seguros, etc. Y comienzan a buscar lugares para iniciar la construcción de la torre de Bungee Jumping.

Cuando recién empiezan la construcción, obviamente, la curiosidad llama a una multitud de vecinos. Poco a poco llega más y más gente mientras ellos siguen con su trabajo. Al terminar, deciden hacer una demostración para la congregación de curiosos.

El estadounidense pide saltar primero. La cuerda se estira al máximo y regresa. El mexicano observa al norteamericano con unos ligeros cortes sobre su rostro y algunos rasguños. La algarabía crece entre la multitud y hasta se escucha que han organizado canciones. El mexicano intenta detener al gringo, pero falla y éste vuelve a caer. Nuevamente la cuerda se estira a su máximo y vuelve a subir. Esta vez el mexicano, asombrado, nota que el pobre yanqui tiene magulladuras y está sangrando. Con poca fortuna, esa vez tampoco lo puede detener arriba, así que el tipo vuelve a caer. La siguiente vez, el pobre hombre regresa hecho un desastre: la ropa toda rota, sangre por todos lados, huesos rotos y semiconsciente. Sin embargo, la algarabía crecía en la base de la torre. Afortunadamente, en esa ocasión el mexicano si logra detenerlo y le pregunta desesperado:

What happened? Was the cord too long?

(¿Qué pasó? ¿La cuerda estaba muy larga?

No, no, the cord was fine. But WHAT THE HELL IS LA PIÑATA?

(No, no, la cuerda está bien, pero ¿qué diablos es la piñata?)

Greens Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you dont know what youre talking about.

NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue blocked Patriots coach Bill Parcells form
switching to the New York Jets without the permission of the Patriots.
The Jets cant win, says Jay Leno. Even their coaches get intercepted.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor everyone ignores me! Doctor: Next please.

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are

seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under

way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin

walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as

he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have

their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of

practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and

the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among

themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer

and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and

more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a

sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and

at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to

the pilot: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to

scream, and were gonna get killed!

Nowhere, Vermont

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, Names Enoch…your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday…thought youd like to come.

Great, replies Sam. After six months of living like this Im ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me.

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. Gotta warn you, though, theres gonna be some drinkin. Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them.

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. More n likely gonna be some fightin, too. Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. Well, I get along with people. Dont worry, Ill be there. Thanks again.

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, Ive seen some wild sex at these parties, too. Now that is not a problem, Sam says. Ive been up here all alone for six long months. Ill definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says… Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome
prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.
The second cant stand to be bested. Why thats nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And Im still here today.
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.