A redneck couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son to college. Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee. When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: Do you like the photo? Do you think it makes me look like a count?
You idiot! His father wrote back. Here we are spending a fortune on your education and you cant even SPELL!
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, Good morning Anthony.Good morning father, replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.Father Murphy, what is this? Anthony asked.Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Anthonys voice was barely audible when he asked, Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
… Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance;
… Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink;
… Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes right up front;
… Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and then top it all off with a DIET coke because theyre concerned about their weight;
… Do banks leave the doors open and then chain the pens to the counter;
… Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage;
… Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we dont want to talk to in the first place;
… Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight;
… Do we use the word Politics to describe the process so well: Poli (from Latin) means many, and tics, meaning blood-sucking pests.
… Do banks have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
…when she goes on the scales it says One at a time please
A la hora del recreo, Jaimito se acerca a Pepito; éste se le queda viendo, aparta su lonchera y le pega a su compañero. En eso, la maestra se acerca a Pepito y le reprende:
¡Pepito! ¿Por qué le pegaste a Jaimito?
Porque él me lambió mi galleta.
La maestra le corrige:
Pepito, no se dice me lambió, se dice me lamió
¡Ah, si me la mea lo mato!
Why is a sperm whale called a sperm whale?
Because a seaman discovered it.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her fathers word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
Whats it about? he asked.
I dont know, she replied. I cant read.
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?