Old and New Jokes

A lady walks into a store and asks the clerk for a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of chocolate and a gallon of strawberries the clerk says i dont have any chocolate so the lady says ok ill take a quart of each and the clerk tells her again i dont have any chocolate so the lady asks for a pint of each and now the clerk is getting really mad and he tells her to spell the van in vanilla so she goes v-a-n so the clerk goes spell the stracw in strawberries so she goes s-t-r-a-w and the clerk goes spell the fuck in chocolate and the lady goes there is no fuckin chocolate and the clrek goes thats what ive been trying to tell you!

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for minimal lettuce. He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: Ive got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?

What is a skeletons favorite musical instrument?

A trombone…

A blonde says to a brunette, Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.

The brunette says, Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.
——————

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said, You have acute appendicitis.

The blond yelled at the doctor…
I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!
——————

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.

So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blondes blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

Im trying to pop out this dent, but its not really working.

Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!

Who is the smartest blonde?

A golden retreiver!

Yo mama so fat that when she sits around
the house… she sits AROUND the house.

An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. Hes standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.

Seeing the Polaks ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, There! 10 feet long.

The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, You idiot American! I dont care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!

Did you ever think, when a hearse rolls by,

That you may be the next to die?

They wrap you up in a nice clean sheet,

And drop you down about six feet deep.

All goes well for about a week,

And then your coffin begins to leak.

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,

The worms play pinnacle on you snout.

They eat your clothes, they eat your hat,

They crawl in skinny and crawl out fat!