Old and New Jokes

Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim & Scott, Lets break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. Ill tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way.

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing.

At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.

I will tell my saddest story first, he said. I left the room key in the car…

A Marine and Navyman are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave without washing his hands.

Hey, says the Navyman, in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands.

In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands.

Dos amigas se encuentran en una fiesta.

¿Sabes la última? Me caso con tu exnovio.

No me extraña. El día en que terminamos me dijo que iba a hacer alguna pendejada…

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.What are you doing? She asked.Hunting Flies He responded.Oh. Killing any? She asked.Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, he replied.Intrigued, she asked. How can you tell?He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

Backup – What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said Moving.

There are these three blondes and they r stuck on and island, 1 of the blondes go kicks something and when she does a genie ops out. the genie says ok i will give u 1 wish each so the first blonde goes says i wish i was 10% smarter so i can get of this island poof she turns into a redhead and swims off the island, the second blonde goes i wish i was 30% smarter so i can get of this island poof she turns in to a brunette and builds a raft and rows off the island, the third one goes i wish i was 100% smarter to get off this island poof she turns into a guy and walks across the bridge!

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

What did the FBI find in the pocket of Monica Lewinskys dress?

A wad of Bills.

This cabdriver is having an affair with a married woman.
So theyre making love in the afternoon while the husband is supposedly
at work, when suddenly a car pulls up in the driveway. The woman
exclaims, Oh my god! My husband is home early! You have to get out
of here, hes a weightlifter and hell break every bone in your body!

Well, the cabdriver is terrified and runs out of the bedroom. A moment
later the husband comes bursting into the room, yelling, All right,
I know youve been fooling around, where is he? As hes running around
the house looking for the guy, through the kitchen window he sees a
cab driving away. Hes so angry he picks up the refrigerator and
hurls it out the window at the cab! Unfortunately, he misses, and
even more unfortunately, he suffers a triple hernia and dies on the
spot.

The next thing he knows hes standing in line, waiting to get into heaven.
When he gets to the front of the line, St. Peter asks him how he died,
he explains, and he is admitted. Next, please, says St. Peter. And
how did you die, sir?

Well, says the cabbie, I was hiding in this refrigerator when …

Dave Wagner
University of Washington Comp Sci Department