Old and New Jokes

One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesnt have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks: How many grains of sand are on the beach? needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: How many stars are in the sky? and again no one could answer. Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day just when the teacher says, heres this weeks question, Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, ok, whos the comedian with the black balls?

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.



The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.



The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.



The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

A: Too many cheetahs.

Psychiatrist:

1) Mind-sweeper.

2) Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Psychiatry: The care of the id by the odd.

Q: How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One – he puts it in the socket and lets the world revolve around him.

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, somebody already told her twice!!!!

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

Q: What do you call a Sleeping Bull?

A: A Bull-Dozer!

Your momma is so bald-headed she got in the shower and got brain washed.