The city does not employ so-called wallet inspectors.
Remember: regular hot dogs do not have fingernail.
Yelling at cabdrivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
John Gotti always has the right of way.
Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
Dont lick food from a strangers beard.
Its bad manners to lie down inside someone elses chalk body outline.
Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
If it doesnt smell like chili, it probably isnt.
18
Oct
18
Oct
BREAKFAST
1/2 Grapefruit
1 piece whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
LUNCH
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed zucchini
1 Oreo cookie
Herb tea
MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
Rest of the package of Oreo cookies
1 quart of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar Hot Fudge
DINNER
2 loaves Garlic Bread
Large Mushroom and Pepperoni Pizza
Large Pitcher Beer
3 Milky Ways
Entire frozen cheesecake, eaten directly from freezer
18
Oct
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say Not bad, but I couldve done better.
18
Oct
Q: Why does a blonde always fail her road test? A: Because every time the car stops, she jumps in the backseat!
18
Oct
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.
The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?
Her grandson replied, You know grandma, its like on TV, The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.
18
Oct
Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland?
The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies
18
Oct
How did the dairy queen get pregnant? The burger king showed her his whopper!!!
17
Oct
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man,and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever,twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered,
Cold day in hell, the Falcons must be in the SuperBowl!
17
Oct
- He wears the Santa costume all year round
- Tells salesgirls that Me & Mrs. Claus have an understanding
- After every toy request says Yeah, right
- Tries unsuccessfully to hide the fact that hes wearing handcuffs
- Charges $5.95 for the first minute, $2.95 each additional minute
- Every day around 10 A.M. throws up on the down escalator
- Keeps sending elves out for more vermouth
- Whether they want it or not, gives every kid a crewcut
- Keeps reminiscing about his vice presidency under George Bush
- Hes packin heat
17
Oct
Conduct During the Holiday Season…
Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinkos to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbors push-button phone during a party is forbidden.
(It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
Rental cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandmas house.
Endlessly singing Frosty, the Snowman under your breath at the mall will result in no presents this year.
All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2001.
Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.
Letting Grampa play Santa in long underwear dyed red is discouraged.
Several children are still in therapy as a result of last years incident when Flopsy, Mopsy and Peter Cottontail made an unexpected appearance.