Old and New Jokes

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. Youre adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. Youre using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, Hows my driving – call 1-800-***-****.

6. Everyones head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. Youre convinced theres a God and hes male.

8. Youre counting down the days until menopause.

9. Youre sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The Motrin bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?

An armadildo.

Husband comes home from work. Software engineer wife is clicking away to glory, surfing the Net …

Husband: Hi Darling, I am home!

Wife: You have now reached the most interesting site. Continue,

Husband: U know, I had a rough day at work today! I need some strong coffee now to get back to my normal self!

Wife: Script error! Coffee beans not found!

Husband: What! Swell! I will have some coke then (Huh) … Whats for dinner?

Wife: Improper cookware found at this site. Contact http://www.iloveya.com/chaps/ and download the latest version now!

Husband: What the he… What happened to all that stuff my mom sent?

Wife: Incompatible with the new oven installed! Authentication code mismatch!

Husband: Oh Man!, Okay Okay, I will buy new stuff then! Can I get anything to eat now?

Wife: Cookies found in the jar on the table. Do u wish to download them?

Poor husband grabs some cookies and gulps a quart of coke. Somewhat rejuvenated, reaches wife and puts his arms around her.

Wife: Danger! You have reached a very sensitive area on the net. You should be over 18 and should have proper authority to access this site. Identify yourself or else you will be booted out!

Husband: Hey! Its me! Your Husband!!!

Wife: Permission granted… Continue exploring one of the most interesting sites on the universe!

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

Excuse me, he said, have you lost something?

No, replied one of the doctors. Were doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldnt help noticing how beautiful Johns roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his moms thoughts, John volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates. About a week later, Julie came to John and said, Ever since your mother came to dinner, Ive been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose she took it, do you? Julie said, Well, I doubt it, but Ill write her a letter just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, Im not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and Im not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: Dear Son, Im not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and Im not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?



The judges face went red and he roared, It most certainly would not! Id add another two years onto your sentence!



The defendant nodded and then asked, Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?



The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts.



The defendant smiled and said, Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the womans face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldnt graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the womans new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.

My darling, he replied, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

An Indian lady visiting France goes to a restaurant and looks at the menu. She finds the design on the menu card appealing and decides to knit the design for a sweater. She completes knitting it in a couple of days while still in France. She wears it for a walk, but is surprised when everyone starts laughing at her. She couldnt understand why, so she asks one of them the reason. She is told that the design on her sweater is not a design, but French that means, Fresh milk available here.

Youre trapped in a cave with a cobra, grizzly, killer bees, and a lawyer. You have a gun that only has 2 bullets. What do you do?

You shoot the lawyer, and then shoot him again to make sure hes dead.

what is the difference between a jewish mother and a vulture?

a vulture waits till your dead before it eats your heart out.