Sex on television cant hurt you unless you fall off.
22
Apr
22
Apr
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about Gods existence. The professor presented the following logic:
Has anyone in this class heard God? Nobody spoke.
Has anyone in this class touched God? Again, nobody spoke.
Has anyone in this class seen God?
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, Then there is no God.
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold students response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
Has anyone in this class heard our professors brain? Silence.
Has anyone in this class touched our professors brain? Absolute silence.
Has anyone in this class seen our professors brain?
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, Then, according to our professors logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!
The student received an A in the class!
22
Apr
Three rabbis were bragging about how liberal they were.
Rabbi #1: We have ashtrays by the seats.
Rabbi #2: Thats nothing! Come Yom Kippur service, we hand out sandwiches… ham sandwiches.
Rabbi #3: Thats nothing! When the High Holy Days come, we lock the doors and put the sign: Closed for the holidays.
22
Apr
What did the blonde say when she saw a box Cheerios? "Neato…Doughnut seeds!"
22
Apr
Theres a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280! Herman says, I know, but there isnt just one, there are hundreds!
22
Apr
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest. And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, I want a motercycle helmet. And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female. And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet. And he got his wish.
The bear said, I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females. And he got his wish.
It was the rabbits turn, and he said, I wish that bear was gay.
22
Apr
A zebra dies goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter,
Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes.
St. Peter, I cant answer that question…but see God walking around over there? Ask him.
Zebra to God, God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?
God looks at the zebra sagely and states, You are what you are.
Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter.
What did He say, asks S.P.
Oh,, replies the zebra. He just said, You are what you are, and I still dont know whether Im black with white stripes or white with black stripes.
Oh, thats easy, says S.P. You are white with black stripes.
How do you know? asks the zebra. Well, says S.P., if you were black with white stripes he would have said you is what you is.
22
Apr
A: A know-it-all bitch.
22
Apr
A Bama Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didnt produce the desired results. Have you been taking them regularly? the doctor asked.
What do you think Ive been doing, the grad said, Shoving them up my ass!
22
Apr
Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, At home as it is in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.