Old and New Jokes

Three bulls, one large, one medium, and one small, were standing in the pasture and had just heard a rumor that the farmer had just bought a new, larger bull.

The largest of the three said, Well, he aint getting none of my cows.

The medium bull said, He aint getting none of my cows.

The little bull said, Well, if he aint getting any of yours, them he sure as hell aint getting one of mine.

Two days later, a semi pulls into the yard, and they unload the new bull. Hes big and pissed from having been cooped up for the long journey. When the three bulls see him, the biggest bull says, He can have my cows, the medium bull says, He can have mine, too. The littlest bull, however, begins to paw the ground, snort and bellow, and basically carry on.

Whats with you? the other two asked. Im just showing him I aint a cow! answered he.

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the towns most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to the community in some way?

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, Um… No.

Or, the lawyer continued, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, Or that my sisters husband died in a traffic accident? the lawyers voice rising in indignation, Leaving her pennyless with three children?

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, I had no idea…

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, So if I dont give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

Why did the man cross the road?

Because his penis told him to. or Because he thought he could get laid if he did. or So the woman driving down the street could hit him. (You know us women, we just cant drive worth shit…) or Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy.

Researchers have
discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain
as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between
the two but cant remember what they are.

~Matt Lauer

When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You

How To Keep Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel

Talking And Driving: Theres Got To Be A Way

Software – Plastic picnic utensils

Q: How does an engineer change a lightbulb?
A: As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesnt !

Un ciego está sentado en una esquina pidiendo limosnas. Para llamar la atención, usa una lata donde hay una moneda, la cual tira con precisión al aire y la recoge con la misma lata, de forma que hace un sonido característico cada vez que la moneda cae en la lata.

La limosna al ciego, CLANK, la limosna al ciego, CLANK, la limosna al ciego, CLANK…

Un tipo va pasando por ahí y observa como el ciego lanza la moneda y cae a la lata, y decide coger la moneda en el aire, para ver como reacciona el ciego.

El ciego no se da cuenta y sigue con su procedimiento, pero ahora no hay sonido:

La limosna al ciego,—–, la limosna al ciego,—–, la limosna al ciego,—–

El ciego asustado exclama:

Ya me fregué, ahora además de ciego ¡SORDO!

Para reunir dinero y reparar la parroquia, el cura Melcacho decide hacer uso de su buen paladar, como catador de vinos, apostando:

Mmmm… vino del Rin, cosecha 1974, de buen cuerpo.

¡Oooohhhh!

Boquiabiertos y apantallados, esperan a que el clérigo pruebe la segunda copa:

Cabernet 8 años, de California…

¡Ooohh!

Espléndido vino blanco, barrica de encino.

¡Aahhh!

Pero como le ha atinado a todos, el clásico apostador que no le gusta perder, pretende hacerle trampa:

¡Ándale, mi amor, orínate aquí y no la tires!

¡¿Eh?!

Le llenan otra y se la dan a probar:

Mmmm… mmmmm… rubia, 30 años… 90, 60, 90 ¡y por desgracia, no es de mi parroquia!

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made Tickle me Elmo dolls. It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldnt keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.



The boss could not control his laughter and said, Lady, I said to give each doll Two—-Test—-Tickles.