Old and New Jokes

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girls grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?



Of course not, dear, replied the mother, Why would you think that?



The tombstone back there said…

Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.

Rush Limbaugh is being driven through the country and when he nears a farm, the chauffeur accidentally runs over a pig. Rush Limbaugh says that the chauffuer better go in and apologize and pay for the pig. The chauffuer is in there for 10 hours. When he comes out, Rush Limbaugh asks what happened and the chauffeur says, Well, I went in and told them and the farmer gave me a feast and the mother and daughter gave me incredible sex for 7 hours!! Well, what did you say?! cries Rush Limbaugh jealously. Oh, I told them that I was Rush Limbaughs chauffeur and Id just killed the pig.

A man with stomach trouble wanted to try the newly introduced automated diagnosis machine at the shopping centre. He inserted his credit card an a urine sample as instructed, waited 30 seconds and then read the printout: You have a tennis elbow. The man was impressed, but at the same time annoyed as his arms were perfectly alright. He decided really to put the machine to the test, so he went home and collected urine samples from his wife and his cat, and for good measure added the contents of a used condom. He returned to the machine, inserted his credit card and the combined sample. After 30 seconds the printout read: Your cat is going to have kittens, your wife is perfectly healthy, but you should quit masturbating when you have a tennis elbow.

One day two blondes were walking down the street when they found a compact. The first blonde picked up the little mirror and looked into it and said to the other blonde, Hey that person looks really familiar. Puzzled the second blonde looked into to the compact and said, Silly, thats me!

The early worm deserves the bird.

A: The outside.

Whats the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

– A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

You might be a redneck if you think subdivision is part of a math problem!

Q: What is green, fury, and smells like pork?

A: Kermitt the Frogs fingers.

Absent
(n) The notation generally following your name in a class record.
Admissions Office
(n) Where they take you to get you to admit youve
mooned the keynote speaker during new student weekend.
Anatomy
(n) One of those classes that sounds vaguely risque until
you find out what it REALLY involves.
Biology
(n) A class located suspiciously near the cafeteria.
Book
(n) A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay
awake long enough to read the night before finals.
Bookbag
(n) A large container in which students store candy bars, gum,
combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos,
sunglasses, student I.D.s, loose change, magazines, & (occasionally) books.
Cafeteria
(n) from Latin cafe (place to eat) and teria (to wretch).
Caffeine
(n) One of the four basic food groups.
Call
(v) What you cant do because your stupid roommate has to go over
every stupid detail of every stupid day with their stupid hometown
sweetheart.
Coach
(n) A teacher who rewards successful students with a new Corvette.
Cum Laude
(v) How students in southern universities call dogs named Laude.
D-Minus
(n) A pretty good grade.
Dorm
(n) Student residence located only a few convenient miles from 8
a.m. classes.
Dormroom
(n) A small closet-like area inhabited by a pair of incompatible people.
Education Budget
(n) Money you allocate each month for movies and magazines.
Egghead
1) (n) A brainy student who studies all the time and gets straight As.

2) (n) That same student once youve dropped eggs on him from the
roof of the science lab.
Extra Credit
(n) What you wish you had on your credit card.
F
(n) A grade that can usually be altered to look like a B on a test paper.
Junior Varsity
(n) The team that everybody supports, but nobody goes to watch.
Kappa
(n) What members of sororities or fraternities wear on their headas.
Kitchenette
(n) A small, thin person working in the cafeteria kitchen.
Klutz
(n) What you discover your lab partner is when you ask him to
slowly pour the sulfuric acid into the beaker youre holding.
Lab
(n) A room full of icky, funny-looking creatures and the dead
frogs they dissect.
Lettermen
(n) Scholarship athletes who proudly wear letter sweaters
proclaiming the vowel or consonant they have mastered.
Liberal Arts
(n) See Would you like fries with that?
Lounge
(n) Any area in a dorm, union or classroom building where the only
furniture that isnt soiled, ripped or scarred is immediately stolen.
Major
(n) Area of study that no longer interests you.
Midnight Oil
(n) What you make popcorn in.
Misery
(n) The sinking feeling you get when introduced to the person your
roomie fixed you up with because the two of you are so much alike.
Nickname
(n) Generally, your own name with the suffix ster attached in a
forced awkward attempt at familiarity. E.g. Bobster, Hankster or
Georgester.
No
(n) The response that guys who will spend most of their time in the gym
lifting weights might put on a true/false test.
Nude Models
(n) The reason for your sudden interest in art.
Off-Campus Parking
(n) Ample extra parking usually found in an adjoining county.
Othello
(n) Unless youre an English major, who really cares??
Out
(n) Where your roommate always is when one of the 35 clubs she belongs
to calls with a very important message.
Paper
(n) Your version of Cliff Notes.
Poster
(n) An inexpensive way to decorate a dormroom while making people
think youve been to foreign lands and done things you never have.
Pre-Law
(n) The major of a person who will end up in sales.
Vice Squad
(n) A group of uniformed officers who seem to be under the
impression that they were invited to your dorm party.
Vending Machine
(n) A coin operated device for dispensing breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Victor
(n) Your football teams weekly opponent.
Victory
(n) A rarity; a three syllable word that cheerleaders CAN spell.
Weekend
(n) Two day period during which your growling stomach makes you
really wish youd signed up for a seven day meal plan.
Whiz Kid
(n) Your college nickname. But not for the reason people think.
Windellas
(n) Name of the circus family you can run away and join when your
parents find out how much you put on their charge card.
Winter
(n) When the air conditioning in your dorm finally kicks in.
Work-Study
(n) Two things not done by a majority of students.
Wristwatch
(n) That device on your arm that lets you know which class youre
currently late for.
X-Ray
(n) A medical technique that will display cafeteria meatballs up to
ten years after theyre eaten.
Xylem
(n) Were not going to tell you this. You should know this. You took
Biology, didnt you? (Were you asleep that day or what?)
Yale
1) (n) A well known ivy league university.

2) (v) What southern cheerleaders do.
Yearbook
(n) A book containing student pictures that will keep getting
nerdier as the years go by.
Yesterday
(n) When the 12 page paper you started tonight was due.
Yield Sign
(n) Dormitory wall decoration you purchased around 3 in the
morning with the help of two buddies and a hammer.
Zepplin
1) (n) A large blimp.

2) (n) Still the best band for playing air guitar in ones underwear.
Zero
(n) The number of times youve gotten to eat most of the pizza you
ordered.
Zoo
(n) What dorms would look like if they were a little neater.
Zoology
(n) The study of animal life (See Frat boys at Homecoming).