Old and New Jokes

Little Johnny (that little bugger again!) was being particularly reckless one day. He was playing in the backyard when some honeybees started swirling around, annoying him. He began stomping on them in a temper and his father saw him.

Thats it. No honey for you for one month.

Later, Johnny pondered over some butterflies and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him and after a brief moment of thought said, No butter for you for one month.

Early that evening, Johnnys mother was cooking dinner and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.

Johnnys mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, Are you going to tell her, Daddy, or do you want me to?

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

He addressed the men: For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wifes favorite flower?

Jim leaned over, touched his wifes arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isnt it?

The rest of the story is not pleasant

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, Im sorry to bother you but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, Ive got a better idea… lets pretend were married.

Why not? giggles the woman.

Good, he replies. Get your own blanket!

There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn’t decide which one to marry. He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.

The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.

The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man. I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment. She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit. Im investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.

The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her…

Sonnys mother held up her hand. Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what youve just told me.

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, Im leaving you. Im packing now and Im leaving you.

But why– asked the startled father.

Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me.

Well, Sonny said, I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

He addressed the men: For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wifes favorite flower?

Jim leaned over, touched his wifes arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isnt it?

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

Two girls go out one weekend without their husbands and got somewhat inebriated.

Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves. After theyd
finished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe herself and then
threw them away. The other woman, realising she was wearing some

very expensive knickers, didnt want to throw hers away and so looked
around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearby
wreath.

So now, feeling a lot better, they carried on with their stagger home.

The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone. One commented, I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon theyre up to no good. My wife came home last night without any knickers on!

The other one replied, Tell me about it! If you think thats bad, my wife
came home with a card stuck to her arse that read – All the members of the District Fire Brigade will never forget you.

After Christmas Tom and Harry were at work talking about what they bought thier wives for Christmas.

Tom says I got my wife a 3 carat diamond ring and a brand new BMW.

Harry asked if you got her a 3 carat diamond ring then why did you get a BMW.

So if she didnt like the ring I knew that she would like the BMW said Tom, well what did you get your wife?

Harry replies well I got her a pair of flip flops and a dildo.

Tom laughs and askes why did you get her a dildo?

Well so if she didnt like the flip flops she could go screw herself

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, Im leaving for the crusade.

Here is the key to my wifes chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I havent returned, you may use the key as Im sure she will have needs

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, Stop! Stop!

Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY.

The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp.

When I tell you I love you, he asked, why do you always lower your eyes?

To see if its true, she answered shyly.