Old and New Jokes

Up in heaven there is a white picket fence. On one side stood GOD on the other side stood Satan and a few of his henchmen.

The devils helpers were kicking holes in the fence.

GOD said if you dont tell them to stop, Ill sue you.

Satan started laughing and replied You think youll find a lawyer on your side of the fence?

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, “I better open this one and see what it’s all about.”

So he opened it and it read: “Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check.” “Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.” “I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?”

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?” “Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. “ “By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office.”

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie. bad spelling has been left in):

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

‘Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.

St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

‘Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, A man doth not live by sweat alone.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.

St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Bless their little hearts!

A young new salesman had just started his job at a General Store ,

His boss told him that they were overstocked with Lawnmowers. If he was to sell the most Lawnmowers that day he would get a bonus in his pay.

His first customer was a woman that asked him for Sanitary Napkins.

As he calmly reached for the box he asked her if she would like to buy a Lawnmower.

The woman replied in a stern voice what do I need a Lawnmower for?

The young salesman answered well you cant have sex so you might as well mow the lawn

Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, hows about a quick screw? said Bert. Mabels answer as expected was, No Bert, its only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize.

The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, It is still 5 days to go and as youve been a good fellow,
Ill let you have a little feel of your prize.

It only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself.Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, I can see what your problem is but youve still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize.

Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabels skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, Mabel, do you think it will keep till Saturday?!?

A guy walked into the doctors office wanting a an appointment for some surgery.

Would you like to tell me your problem? the pretty receptionist asked. Ill need the information for the doctor.

Its rather embarrassing, the guy stammered. You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection.

Well, the doctor is very busy today, the receptionist cooed, but maybe I can squeeze you in.

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis.

The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.

Well, the patient said, I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine.

I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit.

Each afternoon shed take a frankfurter from her refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor.

Then shed sit on it and have a ball.

She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up through the hole.

She sat down on it and everything was great until there was a knock at the door.

And then? said the doctor. Aw hell, the patient explained.

Thats when she tried to kick it under the stove.

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew the rug – and the woman – over the railing. God, that was stupid, she thought as she fell. What a way to die.

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, Do you suck?

No! she shrieked, aghast. So he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. Do you fuck? he asked.

Of course not! she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.

As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. I suck!, I fuck! she screamed in panic.

Slut, he said… and dropped her.

Quirky Business Signs

* On the door of a dental office: We cater to cowards!

* On a plumbers truck: We repair what your husband fixed.

* On the trucks of a local plumbing company: Dont sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

* Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one weak.

* Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

* In a veterinarians waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

* Door of a plastic surgeons office: We can help you pick your nose!

* On an electricians truck: Let us remove your shorts.

* In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

* On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.

* At an optometrists office: If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.

* In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. Well wait!

Three buddies die in a car crash. They go to heaven and attend an orientation.

They are all asked, When you are in your casket, and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says, I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, I would like to hear them say, Look! Hes moving!