Old and New Jokes

There was this guy at the patent office counter and said, I want to patent this Peach.

The clerk asked,Whats so special about your peach?

The guy said, taste it, so he did. He told the guy it taste like a peach, so what? He then said, turn it around! The clerk took a bite and said,wow, this tastes like an apple! You have your Patent!

Then the next guy walks up and said,I want to patent this cookie!

The clerk said,now what is so special about your cookie?

In return the guy said, It tastes like a womans snatch!

The clerk said I gotta try this so he took a bite. He then said, Oh man, this tastes like shit!

The man at the counter said, Turn it around!

Three marines were stranded on a desert island with a lovely young blonde.

After about 6 months the blonde, being so ashamed of what she had been doing, killed herself… About a year later, the marines, being a little ashamed of what they had been doing, buried her!!!

On Freds 86th birthday one of his female neighbors, from down the hall in the old folks home, came into his room and unzipped his pants. She the proceeded to strip him of his pants and skivvies. She sat down on the bed with him and grasped his withered shlong and held him for an hour. She did this routine of undressing him and holding his dick for an hour, every morning of his birthday. On Freds 93 birthday she proceeded to disrobe him when he told her to stop.

What do you mean you dont want me to do it any more, she said baffled by his actions.

I just dont want you to hold me anymore, replied Fred.

Why, is there someone else?

Actually there is, Fred shamefully admitted.

Well what does she have that I dont have?

Parkinsons, replied Fred.

A barman is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the back door of his pub. When he answers, a dirty, scroungy-looking, homeless guy asks him for a toothpick.

The barman is a little surprised, but nonetheless he gives him the toothpick and the guy goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second homeless guy who also asks for a toothpick. He gets the toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door and a third homeless guy.

The landlord says, Dont tell me, let me guess. You want a toothpick too.

Actually no, thanks, but can I have a straw please?

The landlord is kind of confused by this but, being a goodhearted man, gives him the straw. But before the guy takes off, curiosity gets the better of the barman, so he asks the guy. Hey, your friends wanted toothpicks. .. and you wanted a straw. Whats going on?

The man replies, Oh, some drunk girl threw up outside, but all the good stuffs already gone.

Why did it take the blonde a whole week to wash three
basement windows?

It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in.

A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, Awww, look at the dead birdie.
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, Where?

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You cant, they have always been like that.

Q: A blonde going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Q: How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write Please turn over on both sides of a piece of paper.

A blonde and a red head were walking along a path in a park. The red head turns to the blonde and says, poor thing look at the dog with one eye.

The blonde covers one of her eyes and says where?

A blonde was walking along the beach when she finds an old bottle floating in the water. The blonde goes over and picks it up and notices a cork in the top of the bottle. She pulls out the cork and a genie pops out.

Thankyou for letting me out after 10000 years, stuck in that bottle and to say thankyou I will give you 3 wishes.

The blonde thinks for a little while and finally decides on her first wish.

I would like to be 10% smarter

The genie does her magic and she is turned into a red head.

I dont think I am smart enough yet, I would like to be 100% smarter than what I am

So the Genie does her magic a second time and she turns in to a brunette.

I dont think I am smart enough yet I would like to be 1000% smarter than what I am

So the genie turns her into a man!

There were two blondes driving along, and they passed this paddock. And in the middle of this paddock, there was another blonde rowing a boat.

The blonde that was driving the car then said to her friend Its blondes like that, that give us blondes a bad name. I am this far from swimming out there and slapping her

A blonde is taking a test for a job. The examiner asks some questions for general culture.

Do you know miss which is the boiling temperature of water?

I am not sure

Miss, either you know it or you dont know it

I am not sure

The boiling temperature of water is 100 degrees!

Mmmm. I see. Its the right angle that boils at 90 degrees!