Old and New Jokes

Q: What happens when a Polak doesnt pay his garbage bill?

A: They stop delivering.

These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, Well have to come back here tomorrow!

The other asks, But how will we remember where this spot is?

The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, Well just look for this X tomorrow.

The other guy says, You idiot! How do you know well get the same boat?

Sir Winston Churchill was giving a speech in the House of Commons and someone nearby noticed that there was a handwritten comment in the margin of his notes: Weak argument – talk loudly

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.The priest says, Oh no, was it with Marie Brown?. Joe says, Id rather not say who it was with. The priest says, Was it with Betty Smith? Joe says, Id rather not say, So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joes friend asks if he received absolution.Joe says, Yes, and two very good leads!

What time do Jews tend to go to bed?

—– When the electricity is too expensive.

Medical science has determined that attitude influences susceptibility to disease, especially infection by bacterial agents.

People who, by their nature, are cheerful and upbeat are less prone to illness than are those who are consistently grumpy malcontents.

Thus, the surly bird gets the germ.

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother,she said, Why dont you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something.

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned.

Martin replied – Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesnt fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up.

Martins mother said, Wait until your father gets home.

When Martins father got home, Martins mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, Martin, go outside and get me a switch.

Martin replied, Get fucked. Thats the electricians job.

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

How much does it cost for engineer brain?

Three dollars an ounce.

How much does it cost for programmer brain?

Four dollars an ounce.

How much for lawyer brain?

$1,000 an ounce.

Why is lawyer brain so much more?

Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.

Claudia Schiffer was thinking, The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.

And the Irishman was thinking, This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, Ill make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!

The Pope and God were conversing the other day, and the Pope said, Hey God, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news.

God replied, Well I have always liked good news before bad so …

The Pope responded, Well we finally have been able to unite all the known religions on Earth under one name.

God says, Well that is just great, I have been trying for six thousand years, and you did it in less than two thousand. Now what is the bad news?

We have to relocate the Vatican to Salt Lake City.