Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.

Don Pedro estaba acongojado. No sabía como explicarle a su mujer que tenía una amante.

Un día visita a un consejero matrimonial, el cual le dice:

La mejor forma de decirle que la estás engañando, es llegar a tu casa, y de inmediato le empiezas a hacer el amor, y cuando estés en el climax de la relación, le dices que tienes una amante.

Don Pedro se va contento para su casa y apenas llega agarra a su mujer y le empieza a puro dar, y cuando llega al climax le dice:

Amor, tengo otra.

A lo que ella responde:

¡METEMELA POR ATRAS TONTITO!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hank!
Hank who?
Hank you!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Vanessa!
Vanessa who?
Vanessa going to grow up?

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.

Brunette: Ill have a B and C.

Bartender:What is a B and C?.

Brunette: Bourbon and Coke.

Redhead: And, Ill have a G and T.

Bartender: Whats a G and T?

Redhead: Gin and tonic.

Blonde: Ill have a 15.

Bartender: Whats a 15?

Blonde: 7 and 7

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. Why not, asks the golf club.

Youll be driving later, replies the bartender.

Movies where people dont step on your feet.

you are so sweet, but i prefer salty

Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park together when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the two men start to sexually assault them.Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, Forgive him Lord, he knows not what he is doing!Mary Elizabeth turns and says, Mine does…

A man was travelling from Cape Town to Johannesburg when he stopped for a young hitchhiker somewhere in the middle of the Karoo. It happened that the youngster had a cleft palate and thus spoke somewhat nasally. The motorist naturally felt very sorry for the young man.

After driving for an hour or so with very little conversation between them, the man pulled off for a roadside lunch. He opened his picnic basket and offered the youngster some of his sandwiches.

Thank you, Thir, but becauth of my problem I cannot eat anything that may cauth crumbth to enter my palate, he replied. The man felt he couldnt eat either under the circumstances and opened his thermoflask of coffee.

Would you like some coffee, son? he asked. Thank you, yeth Thir, but becauth of my problem you will have to help me. I cannot drink anything that will end up in my palate, tho have to take it anally by means of thith thpecial funnel.

The obliging motorist, feeling very sorry for the poor chappie, agreed. The youngster pulled down his pants, bent over and inserted the funnel. The man slowly poured some coffee down the funnel. The youngster however jumped up, saying Ouch!!.

Sorry Son, was it too hot?

No Thir, no sugar!