A man heard his wife talking to one of her friends,she was saying something about small,short and other words simular.that knight the man and woman were getting ready for bed and the man asked the woman if she was talking about him at all this evening?the woman said no, why?the man said when you reafer to me to your friends I wuold appreceate it if you would use words like large and big.the woman replied, ok.they continued to undress for bed,when the man got naked ,the woman said to the man Its not very large is it?I thought it was bigger.

Do you fancy working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics?:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse

* 7 have been arrested for fraud

* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

* 3 have done time for assault

* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Given up yet?

Its the 535 members of the United States Congress, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now Im here.

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now Im here.

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…

Let me guess, the General interrupted, it broke down.

No, said the G.I., there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.

Did you hear about the duck who went into the drugstore?
He told the pharmacist, Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

It seemed like a silly idea at first,
but now I sleep much better with my eyes closed!

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lords Prayer at a church service: And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.

You get kicked out of all-you-can-eat restaurants.

A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks

the man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chain

around?

The man answered HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these

things!!

There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive – at his in-laws place.

As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law: When my son comes, do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy, etc. otherwise Ill have to shell out a lot for parties etc. Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby.

The offspring does arrive one day, but its a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks: If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, hell misunderstand that some thing has happened to the baby and come rushing over.

So he sends the message: The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing.

Write down on a peice of paper:

M R ducks

M R not

O S A R

C M wangs

L I B

M R ducks

Now have somebody say it, saying the capitals as letters, it comes out as:

em are ducks

em are not

oh es ey are

see em wangs

ell ill be

em are ducks