Old and New Jokes

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party.

That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. Dont let me spoil a good time for you, she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, I wonder what my husband really does when Im not around.

She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldnt recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched. There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them.

She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed.

She sat up and asked Well, how was the party?

He replied, It was no fun without you honey.

She said, I dont believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!

He replied, Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night.

But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time!

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY:

1. Dad, when he gets a cold.

2. Moms youngest child, even if hes 42.

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Moms reason for having kids do things which cant be explained logically.

BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CARPOOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

COOK:

1. Act of preparing food for consumption.

2. Moms other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See DADS UNDERWEAR.

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See WISHFUL THINKING.

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

EXCUSE ME: One of Moms favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be put out by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question Whats for dinner tonight? See SARCASM

FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How Hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Moms kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

I SAID SO: Reason enough, according to Mom

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JEEEEEEEEZ!: Slang for Gee Mom, isnt there anything else you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Things belonging to Dad.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An exaggeration Mom uses to transform her childs papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See Kids Friends

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look like a tramp.

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once its turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

MOMMMMMMM!: The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH:

1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.

2. Main element of Moms favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of childrens mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Moms nickname for Dad.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the wind-up swing stops.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who dont eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because theyre buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddybear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list, and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because its in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear the geeky thing.

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive childrens clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her childs special needs.

TERRIBLE TWOS: Having both kids at home all summer.

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be Just like Daddy.

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues, and wads of gum.

WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kids lunch box even more mortifying.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried, or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Thats a second year subject.

Halfway thru bootcamp the hairlip calls home to his buddy. Man this is tough, the drill seargent took three of us way up in a plane.He opened the door and told the first guy JUMP!! and the guy did. He grabbed the next guy and said JUMP!! and he did.He looked at me and said JUMP!! I told him no i just cant. He pulled out his big thang and said, you jump or im gonna screw you with this. My goodness said his buddy, did you jump? Well yeah said the hairlip, a little bit right at first.

There were three kids that needed a place to stay for the night. They saw a house and knocked….. A farmer ansered the door and the kids asked if they could stay the night. The farmer said yes and told them to sleep in the barn but no matter what DONT eat his wifes fresh baked pie. So the kids went to sleep. It was 5:00am when they woke up and they were so hungry that they ate the pie. On the next day the farmer was going to punish them and he told them to go pick one fruit each. So thy did. The first kid came back with an orange and the farmer out it up his nose! The second kid came back with a cherry and the farmer put it up his nose! Both kids started laughing and laughung. The farmer said why are you laughing this was supposed to hurt. They said we saw the third kid picking a watermelon.

Kramers Law: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

Just when you get really good at something, you dont need to do it anymore.

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. Big Diskettes may be folded and used in Little drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive.
Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a hung or hooked state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot.
If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.
Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading…..

I was forwarded this message last Christmas in response to the traditional Why there is no Santa post that makes its rounds every year.

(That makes no sense to me what I just wrote, and yet Im posting it anyway… 😀

Im completely exhausted, please excuse me if Im making a moron out of myself.)

I received this item yesterday and I must say that I am appalled! Who could be so mean as to try to SCIENTIFICALLY prove that Santa Claus is dead and then not have the guts to sign it? Bob Packwood? Lon Mabon? Rush Limbaugh?

For those who read this and were crushed, I will try to point out the flaws and show that our dear Saint Nick is assuredly alive and well.

If you just cant wait, skip to the last few paragraphs where I give my complete theory.

All original lines of text are written in

italics style

.

Is There A Santa Claus?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) – I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified? Sounds to me like this is the number of organisms found which have not yet been named and placed in t he family/genus/species system of classification. This leaves the door wide open to currently undiscovered organisms.

With only nine living reindeer, do you really think that Santa would let them ROAM FREELY where they can be discovered and are vulnerable to poachers? If they havent been discovered its because theyre holed up in the North Pole.

Safe, Warm by the fire, UNSEEN.

There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesnt (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total – 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, thats 91.8 million homes. One presumes theres at least one good child in each.

For the sake of argument, Ill let these statistics go. I dont work for the Population Reference Bureau and dont have any of their statistics handy.

Dont mistake this for complaisant agreement, Im still ,skeptical.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of t hese 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

Okay, 31 hours appears to be an accurate figure, and with the numbers from above, that does calculate out to 822.6 visits per second. However, including travel time, he has 1/822.6 seconds per home. Thats 122 percent of the time allowed by the original author.

Given the distribution used in the blasphemous text, I calculate a total travel of 72.7 million miles. In reality, people cluster into neighborhoods and there is a division of continents, so the distance would most likely be 100 million miles or more (I worked on this for quite some time).

With the 100 million mile figure, Santa would travel at a minimum of 896 miles per second. Since he must spend some time in each household, lets double this f figure. It becomes 1792 miles per second. What can I say? The mans a speed deamon (I bet he has racing stripes on that sled).

(What Im doing here is showing that the person who wrote this article is not credible. His/her values are not even close to accurate. Also, this 1792 mi/s is important for fusion as described later.)

The way I see it, since its less than ten percent of the speed of light, Santas velocity is very feasible. By the way, Santa and his reindeer pulled sled could easily finish the Ididerod in less than that ol 11 day record.

No wonder they limit the run to dog sleds.

This means that Santas sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second – a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

Just for the record, the Ulysses space probe is not the fastest man-made vehicle on earth. The probe is in space. Since the space shuttles come back to the ground, they should probably be considered the fastest man-made vehicles on Earth.

The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.

Dont forget that not all of the children in each household were good. Many of them will be getting coal. My guess is that Santa wouldnt want to waste more than a single piece of coal on a bad child, and coal is light. That would allow for a lighter load than above or heavier gifts for the good kids with the same l load as above. The sleigh will also become lighter as the night progresses.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that flying reindeer (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload – not even counting the weight of the sleigh – to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison – this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

Oh, sure, where does a person get information regarding the size, weight and pulling power of SANTAS reindeer when they havent even become a classified species? What is this guy/gal trying to pull?

I support the nine reindeer theory and will provide an explanation later.

353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance – this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earths atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.

What bunk. First of all, the necessary top speed is much greater than that and my argument above should be sufficient proof of that. Second, sure there will be some heat created, but you just cant throw around values like 14.3 quintillion joules without providing such information as frictional and drag coefficients, surface area, etc.

Also, what about the ability of reindeer to absorb and dissipate heat. I have seen a PhD thesis which explained the near extinction of these reindeer as a direct result of poaching to sell their hides as heat-sinks.

AND ANOTHER THING; reindeer bursting into flames do not cause deafening sonic booms. Youre one hell of a lot more likely to win PowerBall than you are to hear a reindeer exploding.

The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces

centrifugal – Fictional force! Fictional force!

17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion – If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, hes dead now.

Okay, heres my theory to explain how Santa really works:

The reindeer are not classified because they have not been discovered by the people who assign latin names. They do exists. There are nine of them (Rudolph included).

The sled is very long and is equipped with a spring down its length which compresses upon sled acceleration to cushion Santa from the resulting forces.

The spring decompresses when acceleration halts and gradually pushes Santa back up to the front of the sled. The travel from front to back to front again allows Santa to travel past his entire inventory and thus grab the gifts for the next household.

Santa and his sled team travel at approximately 1792 miles per second and are therefore invisible to the naked eye. For nine reindeer to pull so much weight so fast, they are aided by a propulsion system based on the spewage of heavy neutrinos. Using a shield with sufficient diameter to protect the entire frontal cross section of the sled system, air is deflected into Rudolphs nose. The high speed of the entering air and the resulting pressures create a temperature increase sufficient for fusion a continuous reaction (much like the sun thus providing neutrinos for spewage). This also accounts for the red glow on the outer fringes of Rudolphs nose.

Some energy produced by the fusion reaction is stored in the legs of the other eight reindeer for use in accelerating the sled from a stop on each rooftop. Extra energy is dissipated through the reindeer as well as the loud jingle bells.

The fusion process also produces elements of the periodic table all the way up through iron (Fe). These are stored in select areas of the sled and used for the next years toys produced in the resource poor arctic region.

On Christmas Eves when Rudolph has consumed too much garlic and Pepsi, the added forward compression of an occasional nose-belch is sufficient to produce the heavier, radioactive elements which are stored and later dumped on the Pentagon as Santas gift to everyone.

UNDISPUTABLE PROOF that Santa is alive and well.

Sincerely 🙂

Jon Eggert

P.S. Santa, Ive been a good boy this year, so can I please have a copy of The Princess Bride?