Old and New Jokes

20. Thats weird.
19. Its never done that before.
18. It worked yesterday.
17. How is that possible?
16. It must be a hardware problem.
15. What did you type in wrong that made it crash.
14. There is something wrong with your data.
13. I havent touched that module for a month.
12. You must have the wrong version.
11. Its just a coincidence.
10. I cant test everything!
9. THIS cant be the source of THAT!
8. It works, but it hasnt been officially tested.
7. Somebody has changed my code.
6. Are you sure you dont have a virus in your system?
5. Even though it doesnt work, how does it FEEL?
4. You cant use THAT version on YOUR system.
3. Why do you want to do it that way?
2. Where were you when this program blew up?

   And the number one comment was:

1. I thought sure I fixed that!

The dazzling coed sat perched on her stool, at the local hangout, as the young man sat beside her. Following the usual small talk, he made his move. Tell me, would you sleep with a total stranger for a million dollars?

Well, yes, I guess I would. she replied.

Would you sleep with me for ten dollars? he went on.

Ten Dollars??? What kind of girl do you think I am ? she huffed.

Weve already established that. he shot back. All were doing now is haggling over the price.

The following is another goodie related to me by my mom years ago. Its another one of those thats just a little too good to be true. Though the veracity may be questionable, its a great story.

Preface: Policemen, firefighters, etc. used to have annual dinner-dance type affairs (they were referred to as The Policemans Ball, etc) to raise money for the local constabulatory. The individual officers were responsible for selling tickets to the event to those on their beat.

And now, the story:

A woman was driving down the road one day only to find herself behind a horse trailer being pulled by a pick-up truck. As they were driving along, the back door of the horse trailer came loose and swung open, exposing the rear end of the horse inside.

Eventually, gastric and bowel processes completed, the horses tail lifted and – voila – the womans windshield was covered in horse stuff.

Now the womans first instinct was, of course, to turn on the windshield wipers. Unfortunately, this only made the situation worse and as the woman tried to gain control of the car and keep it on the road, she heard a siren.

Craning her neck out the window to steer the car onto the shoulder, she noticed that the siren was sounding from directly behind her and followed her onto the shoulder.

Sitting in her car, trying to regain her composure, a state trooper came alongside and asked the woman for her license and registration. Now, it was readily apparent from even a cursory glance, what had happened to the windshield of the womans car and she was shocked that the trooper appeared so callous and had not even enquired as to her safety.

What do you want my license and registration for? asked the woman.

You were driving erratically, replied the state trooper.

Now, almost apoplectic, the woman began fumbling through her purse. As she presented the requested documents to the state trooper she asked, sarcastically, I suppose you want to sell me a ticket to the state troopers ball, also.

The state trooper fixed her with a long, hard gaze, drew himself up to his full height and replied, Maam. State Troopers dont have balls!

After a momentary pause, the troopers face turned several shades of red. He handed back her license and registration, strode back to his car and drove off.

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter, said one.

No! He agreed to marry MY daughter, said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

Bring me my biggest sword, said Solomon, and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.

Sounds good to me, said the first lady.

But the other woman said, Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other womans daughter marry him.

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. The attorney must marry the first ladys daughter, he proclaimed.

But she was willing to hew him in two! exclaimed the kings court.

Indeed, said wise King Solomon. That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.

Did you hear about the redneck who was shootin craps?

He blew a hole in the toilet.

After Christmas break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays.

One small boys reply went like this:

We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarted and they moved to Arizona.

They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked, it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they dont do them very well.

There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand in the water with their hats on. I guess they dont know how to swim. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there. They all go to fastfood restaurants.

As you come into the park, there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they cant get out without him seeing them. They wear badges with their names on them. I guess they dont know who they are.

My Grandma said Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house wont let them out.

These Lawyer jokes are from the Nolo Press newspaper.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

Why dont you ever see lawyers at the beach?

The cats keep covering them up with sand.

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

Look, said one to the other, lets be honest with each other.

Okay, you first, replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

Hard drive — Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard —- Place to hang your truck keys.

Window —— Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Floppy —— When you run out of Polygrip.

Modem ——- How you got rid of your dandelions.

ROM ——— Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

Byte ——– First word in a kiss-off phrase.

Reboot —— What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

Network —– Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

Mouse ——- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

LAN——– To borrow as in, Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck.

Cursor —— What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.

bit ——— A wager as in, I bit you cant spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways.

digital control — What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

packet —— What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

Q: Why did the blonde run with the bike? A: It was going too fast for her to get on.

A farmer was out working in his fields when he had to pee really bad. He was quite a ways from the house so he just climbed off his tractor and peed in the clover.

As luck would have it, a bee decided it was lunch time and zapped him right on the end of his dingus. It really hurt terribly when he remembered that buttermilk was known to relieve bee stings. He dashed to the house, opened the fridge, poured a glass of buttermilk and started to soak his dingus.

What a relief!

Then he heard a gasp and saw that his 20-year-old daughter was in the doorway, looking wide-eyed at what he was doing! He turned to her and said, Now dont tell me youve never seen one of these!

She replied, Youre right, Daddy, I have. Its just that Ive never seen one being reloaded!!