Old and New Jokes

What do a toilet, a clitoris and a anniverary have in common? Men always miss them.

So Gorbachev decided that now that he was on top, it was time
to impress his ancient mother. He sent his private helicopter out to
the small town where she lived to pick her up. He met her with a
fleet of limos in Red Square.

So, mama. Its good to see you here in Moscow! Come, we eat!

She said nothing about the flight, and followed quietly into his
limo. He took her to the best restaurant in town, where they were served
by an army of waiters. The food was superb, the wine the best money
could buy. She said nothing.

You like the dinner? Come. We fly to my Dacha for drinks.

The chopper picked them up and delivered them to the steps of a
magnificent building, secluded in the outskirts of the city. Waiters
in white coats were waiting, and proceeded to serve them with the
best Cognac and liquor available.

They sat sipping on the porch, looking out over the view.

So, mama. You dont say anything. Arent you proud of your
little Miki? Havent I done well?

She turned to him and replied in a quiet voice.

Miki, baby. Is wonderful time I have here. Helicopters are so
grand to fly in. Food is best I have ever tasted. And this, a dacha?
This is more glorious than anything I could imagine.

Yes, Miki. Is wonderful. I am happy for you. But Miki, Baby.
What if the communists return!

-Bil

(Yes, this is NOT my own. I heard it at a party in Sweden, being
told by a low member of the Soviet corps. there.)

Q: Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinnochios face saying, Lie to me, lie to me!

your momma is so hairy shes got afros on her tittis

An 80-year old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.

The next day, the 80-year old man reappears at the doctors office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, Well, doc, its like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.

The doctor was shocked. You asked your NEIGHBOR?

The old man replied, Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldnt get the damn jar open!

Yo Mommas so old she got powderd milk in her boobs!

Q: Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman? A: A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head,

A pregnant lady was travelling on a bus. The man opposite her stared and laughed at her.

The embarassed lady moved herself to the next seat. Then the man burst with laughter.

She went to Court and sued him for damages.

In his defense, the man told the Judge, My Lord! If you were in my place, you would have done the same thing.

The judge, for the sake of the case, got on the bus, at the same stop, and the scene was reinacted.

The Judge could not control his laughter and dismissed the case.

The advertisement display board above the first seat for a shaving stick soap Company read, Williams stick did the trick.

The advertisement display board above the second seat for Dunlop Tyre Company read, Rubber Goods would have saved the trouble.

What did the Catholic
Church call its new fat-free, low-calorie communion wafer?
"I cant believe its not Jesus!"

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, Youve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit! The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snakes body for a few minutes, he asserted, Well, youre scaly, youre slimy, youve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and youve got a forked tongue. I think youre a lawyer!