Old and New Jokes

Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs.

Q: Why did the Real Man sit in the dark?
A: He couldnt find a new light bulb and was too embrassed to ask.

Conversation between Room Service and guest in Asian Hotel. Read Aloud for maximum entertainment

Room Service: Morny. Ruin sorbees.
Guest: Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.
RS: Rye . . . Ruin sorbees . . . morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??
G: Uh . . . yes . . . Id like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July den?
G: What??
RS: Ow July den? . . . pry, boy, pooch?
G : Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Ow July dee bayhcem . . . crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS : Hokay. An San tos?
G: What?
RS: San tos. July San tos?
G: I dont think so.
RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I dont know what
judo one toes means.
RS: Toes! toes! . . . why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish
mopping we bother?
G: English muffin!! Ive got it! You were saying Toast.
Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No . . . just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter . . . just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy . . . tea . . . mill?
G: Yes. Coffee please, and thats all.
RS: One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease
baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and
copy . . . rye??
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tendjewberrymud.
G : Youre welcome.

One time a brunette got hit with an apple and cried and then a red head got hit with a pumpkin and cried and then a blonde didnt know there was a bomb in her house so she farted and the house blew up and then she laughed… ha ha ha…

oh ya just becuz i am a blonde dont meen i cant make fun of them.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Malcolm!
Malcolm who?
Malcome you didnt do your homework!

Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructors course.

I like to see ugly people holding hands.
I figure it gets them both out of circulation.

-Gallagher

How do men exercise at the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each others values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each others company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

Perhaps I shouldnt look a gift horse in the mouth, but… Hows your health?

Its OK, he answers. Im not getting any younger, but I dont have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.

Well, then, she replies I dont want to be a snoop, but Ive got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?

So-so. Im not rich, but Im comfortable. You dont have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself.

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain – And hows your sex life….

Infrequently, he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking… And is that one word or two?

Joe was having medical problems and went to see the Doctor. As usual, the Nurse got out his chart and went over medications and history. Then she asked him what his problems were that brought him in to see the doctor today. Joe said, It is kind of personal and I would rather tell the doctor. The nurse said, By telling me, it will speed things up as I will already have this written in your chart, so please proceed to tell me your problems. Joe said, Well, OK, I am having trouble with my penis – – – – – -. At this, the nurses face turned red and she ran out of the room. Later, when the doctor came in, he told Joe that he had upset the nurse and Joe explained that he was only telling her what she asked for. I know, said the doctor, but next time just tell her that you have a problem with your ear and when I come in, we will correct anthing in the chart. OK, said Joe.

Well, three days later, Joe returned on a recall as his condition still had not cleared up. Again, the nurse got out his chart and started over medications and history. Again, she asked Joe what his problem was today. Joe replied, I have a problem with my left ear. The nurse asked, And exactly what problems are you having with your left ear. Joe replied, I cant pee out of it!!