Old and New Jokes

David Lettermans 10 New Slogans for Exxon:

10. Weve got oil to spare.

9. Exxon: The Eastern Airlines of the sea.

8. Anybody got a tissue?

7. Breathe a word of this to anyone, and well kill you.

6. Keeping your children safe from blood-thirsty marauding walruses.

5. Now sardines automatically come with oil.

4. Three Mile Island. Now THAT was an accident.

3. If it wasnt for us, American sea gulls would be covered with foreign oil.

2. Ecosystems, schmecosystems.

1. Hey, you try drinking 3 or 4 six-packs and then steering a huge oil tanker!

Now that he has left office, the REAL story can finally be told.

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to use the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldnt remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in. He realized, to his horror, that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinskys office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, Sack my cook.

What did the blonde say when someone blew in her ear?

Thanks for the refill.

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, … Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call Teds, or Hales!

He didnt want any advice.

Yo mama so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Humorous means: Caustic

Intuitive means: Your opinion doesnt count

In Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.So there! Windows is not a virus.

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

10. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better