Old and New Jokes

Estaba el padre en la Iglesia, cuando de pronto llega una ciega, éste la ve y le pregunta:

Buenos días, hija, ¿qué se te ofrece?

La ciega le dice:

Padre, estoy muy triste, nadie me quiere, soy fea, ciega, nadie quiere ser mi pareja y nadie quiere tener sexo conmigo.

Hija, como tu eres ciega y realmente estás fea, sólo te ayudaría un milagro, pero confía en Dios y te ayudará.

La ciega, más triste que nunca, sale de la iglesia, va caminando por las calles muy insegura, cuando por accidente se sube a un puente. Como era ciega, se desorientó y se cayó del alto puente.

Afortunadamente, la ciega cayó en un camión lleno de plátanos, y empezó a tocar con las manos a sus alrededores para saber dónde había caído, cuando de pronto sorprendida dice:

¡Ay, chicos, uno a la vez, uno a la vez!

A man comes to the doctor with a long history of migrane headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migranes and STILL no improvement. Listen, says the doc. I have migranes, too…and the advice Im going to give you isnt really anything I learned in medical school, but its advice that Ive gotten from my own experience. When I have a migrane, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand…especially around the forehead.

This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex…and almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.



Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! Ive had migranes for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!



Well, says the physician, Im glad I could help.



By the way, Doc, the patient adds, You have a really nice house.

There was a blind man and he was looking for a

new job… he decided to go out and find a jod with



wood so he went out looking for a job….





he found a place he went in and applied by



person.. the boss told him that he was not looking



for anyone at the moment but the blind man



proceeded to beg the boss…





finally the man gave in and the blind man told him



he could tell him the length of the wood and the



kind that it is so the boss brought out a piece of



wood that was 2 feet long and it was pine.. he



held it to the blind mans nose and the blind man



told him exactly what length and what kind of



wood it was.. so the boss got a piece that was 3



feet and oak and again the blind man guessed



right on the dot .. then the boss wanted to trick the



blind man so he went and got old lulu the cook..



brought her out and bent her over the blind man



took one big wiff and asked the boss to turn it over



so she turned over and the blind man took



another big wiff then screamed UH HUH… its a



shit house door off a tuna boat.

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all boasting to each other about
presents they have bought their wives for their birthdays.

The Englishman says Ive bought my wife a 24-carot gold ring and a
glove.

Why have you got her a glove? the other two ask.

Because when she wears the ring in public, I want her to wear the glove
so no-one can nick it off her finger he replies.

The Scotsman is not impressed and proudly braggs Ive got my wife a
diamond necklace and a scarf.
The other two, slightly confused, ask Whats the scarf for?
So that when she wears it in crowded places, she can put the scarf around
her neck to prevent it being snatched the Scotsman replies.

The Englishman and Scotsman, both feeling proud at their gifts, were keen
to hear
what the Irishman had bought his wife and invited him to tell them.
Well, I got her a pair of shoes and a vibrator he says.

The others, slightly taken aback, ask him why he bought the vibrator, to
which he
replies Cos if she doesnt like the shoes she can go screw herself!

Trumpet players.
All they have to do is hold the bulb up to the fitting, and allow the universe to revolve around them.

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?Daddy, relieved that Johnnys not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!

Siamese twins!

Some fun rules

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isnt looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. Id explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday well look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and Ill tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days youre the pigeon, and some days youre the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isnt there the first time you need him, chances are you wont need him again.

10. I dont have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?!

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I dont suffer from stress. Im a carrier.

15. Youre slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody elses weirdo.

And,

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A Doberman!

If Microsoft Built Cars…



1. A particular model year of car wouldnt be available until after that year instead of before it.



2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, youd have to buy a new car.



3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and youd have to restart it. For some strange reason, youd just accept this.



4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then youd have to buy more seats.



5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast – but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.



6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single General Car Fault warning light.



7. People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.



8. Wed all have to switch to Microsoft gas.



9. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.



10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.