Do you have an uncle named Jack?
No! why, Well if your uncle Jack was to climb up on the roof would you help your uncle Jack off NO!

A married lady was entertaining the Pizza delivery man in her bedroom when all at once they heard a car door slam. The young man jumped out the window forgetting his clothes and the fact that he was still wearing a condom.

He hid in the bushes wondering how he was ever going to get home when he saw a group of joggers coming down the street. He figures he will just join in and maybe not be noticed.

As he is running along, the man next to him asks, Do you always jog naked? and the young man replied that yes he did.

Then the other gentleman asked Do you always wear a condom?

The young man looked heavenward and replied Looks like rain.

This wad told to me by a librarian. Reference work must be dull at times.

Robin

a. Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close to someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from someone, they will think that you think that they are gay.

b. Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic, four is a wanker.

c. If you fart, say Whooaa, what a ripper!

d. Dont look. Real men never compare sizes.

e. Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with wet hands into the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.

On a nice, bright sunshiney day, three couples came to visit the local Priest in order to join the Catholic Church. By a strange coincidence, One couple was young, one was old and one was middle-aged.

The Priest told the couples that they could join the church only if they proved they were sincere by first abstaining from sex for one week. The couples all agreed to meet back at the church in one week.

One week later, as promised, the couples all came back and the Priest asked of the Old Couple,

Did you abstain from sex?

The old couple both shook their heads and the Priest said, Fine! Welcome to the Catholic Church!

The Priest then asked the middle-aged couple, Did you abstain from sex?. The Middle Aged woman smiled and said, It was tough, but we made it.

FINE! Welcome to the Catholic Church!

The priest then turned to the young couple and asked, Did you abstain from sex?

The young man of the couple answered, Well, Father … we did really well for about three days, but on the fourth day, *she* bent over to pick up a head of cabbage off the floor and when she did, I noticed that she had no panties on under her dress. I just couldnt help myself! I had to give it to her hard!

The Priest was shocked! WELL, I suppose you realize that I cant let you in the church., he droned.

The young man replied,You think thats bad? We cant even go NEAR Kroger anymore!

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of
his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video
of his wifes activities.A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down
together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional,
the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them
laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor
cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and
his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.I just cant believe this, the distraught husband said.The detective said, Whats not to believe? Its right up there on the
screen!The husband replied, I cant believe that my wife could be so much
fun!

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, or four, or…No, wait, well have to count them again.

You know your a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a girlfriend.

One day in school the teacher is giving the class an English lesson. She asks if anyone can give her a sentence with the word Lovely in it twice.

All of a sudden little Mary jumps up and says that she has a sentence. The teacher is pleased to see her top pupil being so conscienious and asks her to tell the class.

The little girl goes on and says: At the week-end the weather was lovely, so my family and I went out to the countryside and had a lovely picnic.

The teacher was most impressed, and asked if anyone else could make a similar sentence. Then from the back of the class, little Jonny the class rascal, shouted out that he had a sentence. The teacher, in a sympathetic tone of voice, said Oh… alright then Jonny what is _your_ sentence?

Jonny went on to say: Last night my sister came home and said she was pregnant and our dad said, Lovely!!! Fuckin Lovely!!!

Yesterday I came back to my office from Court. There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. My floppy drive wont work, can you help me ? she asked.

I told her Id take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5 floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive.

Oh, you mean the condom!, she said.

Condom???, I asked.

Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses.

By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The condom turned out to be a standard 3.5 plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldnt do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be):

Does that mean I dont have to stroke it ten times or blow on it either???

Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. Father, I am sinful.

Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.

Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, its been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.

Thats bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake.

Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too.

Thats not very good of you.

Father, last month, I went to her uncles house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too. Father? ……… Father? suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. Father? Where are you? He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

Father, why are you hiding here?

Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.