Old and New Jokes

One day a man went hunting for ducks. When he was done he was going to his Chevy and he got a vist from The Game Warden.

The Warden said Hey Sir,what ya huntin?

The man said Ducks.

The Warden said Did ya have any luck?

He said Got 3.

The Warden said Let Me see them. The Warden stuck his finger up the ducks butt,smelled it and said This duck is from Ohio, do you have a stamp for it?

The Man gave him the stamp.

The Warden picked up the 2nd duck did the same thing and said Kentuky duck, got a stamp?

The man gave him the stamp.

The Warden did the same thing with the last duck and said Canada duck. Stamp?

The man gave him the stamp.

Then the Warden said Where you from anyway?

The man pulled down his pants and said Youre the expert, you tell me!

Clinton and Gore went to a diner to get a bite to eat.

A good looking waitress comes up and asks, Can I take your order?

Clinton says, Yes, I like a quickie!

She turns a little read and say, Sir, in your present state of affairs I dont think you should even be suggesting something like that. I will come back when you are ready to order from the MENU!

As she walks away Gore leans over and says, Bill, its pronounced quiche.

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, Well, it looks plastic. Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, But it feels like rubber.

Curious, the attorney asked, What do you have there?

The drunk replied, I dont know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.

The attorney responded, Let me take a look.

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure dont know what it is. Where did you get it?

The drunk replied, Out of my nose!

(This joke was told to me by a high-ranking member of the UK
government who said that he had heard it as a typical Hungarian joke.
Interestingly, he said that the Hungarian sense of humor was the
closest to the English of any of the Europeans.)

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe
problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions
but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, Do you ever watch your husbands face while you are
having sex?

Well, yes, I did once.

Well, how did he look?

Very angry.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting
somewhere and he said, Well thats very interesting, we must look
into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your
husbands face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did
it occur that you saw his face that time?

He was looking through the window.

Her arms laden with Christmas gifts, Mrs. Douglas remembered she had forgetten to mail a card to her childhood frriend Faye. Buying a card and dashing into the post office, she bought a first class stamp.

Excuse me, she said, her arms aching. but must I put that on myself?

No maam, deadpanned the clerk, it goes on the envelope.

Q: How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
A: The knocking gets slower.

President Clinton is shaking hands with the voters after being elected for the second time.

Pleased to meet you, says one old man, Ive heard a lot about you in the past few years.

Clinton laughs: You cant prove any of it!

It was Palm Sunday, and the familys 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, People held them over Jesus head as he walked by.

Wouldnt you know it, the boy fumed. The one Sunday I dont go to church, and Jesus shows up!

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: I need a cigarette.

But honey, his lover says. The store closes in two minutes. Youll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed.



Thats okay, He quipps. Ill just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, Ill pretend Im a statue.



So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigaretts (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.



The first nun walks over to the young man. Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser! She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.



The second nun strolls over. What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too. She sticks a quarter up the young mans ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.



The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young mans ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried a third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and suprise. Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!

Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.