Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:
Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick backswing.
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Dont stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.
Dont take extra strokes.
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy…
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You dont get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, thats the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties
You make the bed+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets-1
You leave the toilet seat up-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings+5
In the snow+8
But return with beer-5
Social Engagements
Party
You stay by her side the entire party0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking mate-2
Named Tiffany-4
Tiffany is a dancer-6
Tiffany has implants-80
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner0
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar+1
Okay, it is a sports bar-2
And its all-you-can-eat night-3
Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favourite team-10
A Night Out With the Boys
Go with a pal-5
The pal is happily married-4
Or frighteningly single-7
And he drives a Porsche-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)-15
A Night Out
You take her to a movie+2
You take her to a movie she likes+4
You take her to a movie you hate+6
You take her to a movie you like-2
Its called DeathCop 3-3
Which features cyborgs that eat humans-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans-15
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts-30
You say, It doesnt matter, you have one, too.-80000
The Big Question
She asks, Do I look fat?-1
(Yes, you lose points no matter what.)
You hesitate in responding-10
You reply, Where?-35
Any other response-20
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression0
You listen, for over 30 minutes+50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV+1000
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep-2000
2 pshycologists met each other in a street one day.
One said to the other, Youre good today, how am I?
A crown court judge was out on the town one Friday evening, partaking of some of Londons finest drinking establishments. Returning home to his good lady wife in the wee small hours, he realised he was going to be for the high jump when she saw the state he was in. His Saville Row suit had vomit all the way down it.
Charles she bellowed.
What on EARTH have you been doing?
Thinking on his feet, he replied Oh…… a dreadful ruffian discharged his ample evenings excesses all over me as I was about to head home. As fortune would have it, he was arrested shortly after, and I will be hearing his case on Monday morning.
Monday morning came, with the judge conducting his business free of controversy. He still had this nagging feeling however, that hed need to have his story straight for his wife when returning home. She was an inquisitive woman, with an eye for detail. Then, out of the blue, she rang him in his chambers.
Charles, what happened to that oik who sullied your jacket on Friday night?
she asked.
Well he replied.
He hasnt appeared before me yet. The case was adjourned until this afternoon, but Ill give him three months in prison for sure.
Frankly Charles, I think youd better give him six months — hes shit in your trousers as well!
WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations
Tan means: Wrinkled
Wants Soulmate means: One step away from stalking
Widow Nagged means: first husband to death
Writer means: Pompous
A dyslexic walks into a bra….
A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, Welcome. Is there anything you didnt have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?.
The cat thought for a moment and said, Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?. St. Peter arranged for it.
Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven? St. Peter of course granted their wish.
About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, I like it alot, but I really enjoy those Meals on Wheels.
This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.
Goddammit, said the man, get your damn thumb out of my food!
Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm.
Why dont you just shove it up your ass?
the man said angrily.
Thats what I do when Im in the kitchen.
Q. Why do blondes where pig tails?
A. handle bars
Llega un tipo a visitar a su compadre y lo encuentra todo jodido.
¿Compadre qué tienes? ¿Qué te pasa?, interroga el amigo.
Es que me queda sólo un mes de vida, compadre, responde aquel.
¿Pero cómo? ¿Qué tienes?, vuele a cuestionar el amigo.
El doctor me dijo que tengo SIDA, compadre. Me queda tan sólo un mes de vida.
¡No lo puedo creer!, responde asombrado el amigo.
Después de darle ánimos, el amigo se retira. La esposa que escuchó toda la conversación le reclama al marido: oye oye, es verdad que te queda un mes de vida, pero no es por el SIDA, es por el cáncer que tienes.
Sà mi vida, efectivamente es cáncer. En un mes yo me muero, pero después de lo que le dije al compadre, ¡a ti ya nadie te va a querer coger!