Old and New Jokes

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all boasting to each other about
presents they have bought their wives for their birthdays.

The Englishman says Ive bought my wife a 24-carot gold ring and a
glove.

Why have you got her a glove? the other two ask.

Because when she wears the ring in public, I want her to wear the glove
so no-one can nick it off her finger he replies.

The Scotsman is not impressed and proudly braggs Ive got my wife a
diamond necklace and a scarf.
The other two, slightly confused, ask Whats the scarf for?
So that when she wears it in crowded places, she can put the scarf around
her neck to prevent it being snatched the Scotsman replies.

The Englishman and Scotsman, both feeling proud at their gifts, were keen
to hear
what the Irishman had bought his wife and invited him to tell them.
Well, I got her a pair of shoes and a vibrator he says.

The others, slightly taken aback, ask him why he bought the vibrator, to
which he
replies Cos if she doesnt like the shoes she can go screw herself!

Trumpet players.
All they have to do is hold the bulb up to the fitting, and allow the universe to revolve around them.

Little Johnny is passing his parents bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?Daddy, relieved that Johnnys not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!

Siamese twins!

Some fun rules

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isnt looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. Id explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday well look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and Ill tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days youre the pigeon, and some days youre the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isnt there the first time you need him, chances are you wont need him again.

10. I dont have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?!

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I dont suffer from stress. Im a carrier.

15. Youre slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody elses weirdo.

And,

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A Doberman!

If Microsoft Built Cars…



1. A particular model year of car wouldnt be available until after that year instead of before it.



2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, youd have to buy a new car.



3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and youd have to restart it. For some strange reason, youd just accept this.



4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then youd have to buy more seats.



5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast – but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.



6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single General Car Fault warning light.



7. People would get excited about the new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.



8. Wed all have to switch to Microsoft gas.



9. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.



10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “Youre beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “Youre cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”

I need to whip it out by 5 oclock
Mind if I use your laptop?
Just stick it in my box
If I have to lick one more, Ill gag!
I want it on my desk, NOW!
HMMMMMMM … I think its out of fluid
My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish
Its any entry-level position
When you do think youll be getting off today?

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isnt …

Its not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there!

I dont know and I dont care!