Old and New Jokes

Una adolescente de catorce años va con su mamá y le dice que desde hace un par de meses no tiene el período.

Preocupadísima, la mamá compra en la farmacia un test de embarazo y el resultado de la prueba es positivo. Gritos, imprecaciones, lamentos, lágrimas…

Que quién ha sido el cerdo, que quiero saberlo, que ahora se lo dices a tu padre, etc., etc.

La chica, una vez a solas, toma el teléfono y hace una llamada. Media hora después se detiene ante la casa una Ferrari último modelo, de la que sale un tipo maduro y distinguido, de pelo entrecano, vestido impecablemente con un elegante traje que se adivina carísimo. Toma asiento en el salón ante el padre, la madre y la hija y dice:

Buenos días. Vuestra hija me ha informado del problema. Sin embargo, yo no puedo casarme con ella porque tengo otra situación familiar, aunque me haré cargo. Si nace una niña, le puedo legar 3 tiendas, 2 apartamentos, una villa en el mar y una cuenta de $ 500 mil dólares. Si nace un niño, el legado será un par de fábricas, además de los $ 500 mil. Y si nacen gemelos, una fábrica y $ 250 mil us para cada uno. En cambio, si pierde el embarazo…

En este punto el padre, que había permanecido callado todo el tiempo, se levanta, le apoya una mano en el hombro y le dice:

¡Te la echas de nuevo!

This blonde calls this rural fire dept. all excited she says come quick my barns on fire, my barns on fire.

The dispatcher says calm down now just tell us how to get there.



She says oh, Dont you have that big red truck anymore?

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, Midnight, just like I said.



She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said Shit!, cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.

Even the futures not what it used to be.

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were
each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy
their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to
another and said, So, what did you bring? The second
convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become
the Grandma Moses of Jail. Then he asked the first, What
did you bring? The first convict pulled out a deck of cards
and grinned and said, I brought cards. I can play poker,
solitaire and gin, and any number of games. The third convict,
who was a Vol fan, was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The
other two took notice and asked, Why are you so smug? What
did you bring? The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He
said I brought these.

The other two were puzzled and asked – What can you do with
those? He grinned and pointed to the box and said – Well
according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming,
roller-skating….

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was, Dont.Dont what? Adam asked.Dont eat the forbidden fruit, God said.Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!No way!Yes WAY!Dont eat that fruit! said God.Why?Because Im your Creator and I said so! said God, wondering why he hadnt stopped after making the elephants.A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. Didnt I tell you not to eat that fruit? God asked.Uh huh, Adam replied.Then why did you?I dunno, Eve answered.She started it! Adam said.Did Not!DID so!DID NOT!Having had it with the two of them, Gods punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

I saw a notice on a bulletin board in Church one day. It read:

All girls who want to be Alter boys please see the Minister – Dr. Smith after last Mass today

You might be a redneck if…
You think mud rasslin should be an Olympic sport.

Q: Why do reindeer have red noses?

A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesnt have an airbag, either).

Q: Why does Santa use Elves?

A: There is no trade union for Elves. Theyre easy to exploit.

Q: Is there really a Mrs. Claus?

A: Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures (Elves, reindeer named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual preference seems to tend towards homosexuality. He is said to have some problems finding a gerontophile/zoophile Elf for a threesome with a reindeer, though.

Q: Does Santa really live on the North Pole?

A: Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and the North Pole has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that Santa is known to frequently ask the Elves and reindeer if he can shove his pole up north. Obviously, this is related to the cryptic description up where the sun dont shine, which applies to both the North Pole and assholes in general.

Q: Does Santa really work all year round making toys?

A: Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does it say Made on the North Pole? (Made in China, more likely)

Q: Then what does he DO all year?

A: Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he spends his winters in Florida.

Q: Is the story about the little angel and the Christmas tree true?

A: Without a doubt. Santa has a temper and can develop a nasty attitude (he doesnt take stress too well).

Q: If so, why do the little angels on Christmas trees look happy (given the fact they have a tree up theirs)?

A: Little angels are known to be kinky.

Q: Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?

A: Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine guns.

Q: So Santa is basically a gun-crazy, homosexual, angry old man who exploits little Elves, fools around all day, and drives around in a sleigh that lacks basic security measures?

A: You forgot about the bestiality thing.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain

cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Thats why you always feel smarter after a few beers.