Old and New Jokes

From Contemporary Comedy

This is the third anniversary of Bill Clintons election, and you know, looking back, I think the country was better off when Hillary was President.

If you put Ross Perots ears and Bill Clintons nose and put it on Phil Gramms face, youd have – Mr. Potatohead!

Most Americans oppose the Republican Medicare plan – mostly the ones who plan to get old someday.

Congressmen have been bought and sold so many times they should have bar codes.

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Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.

Online – Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.

En sus últimos minutos de vida, una madre recibe a su hijo. Éste se encuentra muy apenado y afligido, tanto por perder a su madre como por perder la posibilidad de conocer la identidad de su padre; así que haciendo uso de su última oportunidad, se arriesga:

Mamá, dime quién es mi papá.

La madre no contesta y el hijo insiste:

Por favor, mami, ¿quién es mi papá?

entre gemidos y a muy baja voz, por fin, la madre responde:

Pro… be… ta…

Satisfecho, el hijo exclama:

¿De probeta? ¡Soy hijo de probeta, qué tranquilidad!

Sin embargo, con un gesto de fastidio la madre le interrumpe:

¡Nooo! Probé tanto hombre que ni me acuerdo…

You know you live in a small town when the guy at
the local convenience store speaks English.

You might be a redneck if you believe books are bad luck!

Two men are flying in a captive balloon. The wind is ugly and they come away from their course and they have no idea where they are.

So they go down to 15 m above ground and ask a passing wanderer. Could you tell us where we are?

You are in a balloon.

So the one pilot to the other:

The answer is perfectly right and absolutely useless. The man must be an economist

Then you must be businessmen, answers the man.

Thats right! How did you know?

You have such a good view from where you are and yet you dont know where you are!

In Detroit, Oregon, a hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead.

A California officer charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI after driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: It came with the car when I bought it.

The driver of an armored truck in Edmonton, Alberta appeared to be signaling for help as he repeatedly swung his door open. After six police cruisers chased and stopped the truck, it turned out, the driver had simply tried to fan fresh air into the cabin after the other guard had passed gas.

In Boynton, Florida, Michael Harrison and Kevin Carter were arrested and charged with armed robbery and murder in their attempt to raise money to attend the police academy.

I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

– Mark Twain

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the Skins say Id run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, Matt Millen of the Raiders said, To win, Id run over Joes mom too.

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: Nobody in football should be called a genius.. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye.

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: Im going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: I play football. Im not trying to be a professor. The tests dont seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I havent been through in school.

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: Thats so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes.

Shaquille ONeal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: I cant really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.

Shaquille ONeal, on his lack of championships: Ive won at every level, except college and pro.

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: Hes a guy who gets up at six oclock in the morning regardless of what time it is.

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his teams 7-27 record: We cant win at home. We cant win on the road. As general manager, I just cant figure out where else to play. (1992)

Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: He wants Texas back. (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football? (1966)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburns football dorm had destroyed 20 books: But the real tragedy was that 15 hadnt been colored yet. (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: Im not allowed to comment on lousy officiating. (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: Its basically the same, just darker. (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid Id get shot. (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: I told him, Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy? He said, Coach, I dont know and I dont care. (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D: Son, looks to me like youre spending too much time on one subject. (1987)

Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?

A: Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars.