Old and New Jokes

How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but hell swear up and down that it was just as easy for him as it would have been for a Macintosh user.

14 Things to do While Taking a Drivers Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, buckle up!

3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesnt dirty the seat.

4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say oops.

5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, now which one is the gas again?

6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

7. Fill your car with beer bottles.

8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

9. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.

10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

11. Swear at everybody on the road.

12. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

13. Beep your horn at everything.

14. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)This project is so important, we cant let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! Weve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and Ill let you know when its time to tell them. (R&D supervisor,
Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldnt edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say. (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)How About Friday? My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He
then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, That would be better for me. (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)We recently received a memo from senior management saying: This is to

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the dissection table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture by telling them: In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

——————————————————————————–Ways To Have Fun in the WorkplacePage yourself over the intercom. Dont disguise your voice.Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. Thats a good point, Sparky. No, Im sorry, but Im going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha.Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what youre doing. For example: If anyone needs me, Ill be in the bathroom.Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you havent lost them as much since you did this.While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people youre waiting for your document.Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.Put your trash can on your desk. Label it IN.Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.Send e-mail messages saying theres free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, oh youve got to be faster than that.Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking,

when George W. said, I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, Ill prove it to you.

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if Im home, said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, See! That guy was really stupid!

No kidding, replied George W. There was a pay phone just around the corner…

You could have called instead?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of drawing the longbow was known as plucking the yew. Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!

Over the years, some folk etymologies have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since pluck yew is rather difficult to say (like pleasant mother, pheasant plucker, which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as giving the bird.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Kelly limps into his favorite pub…

My god! What happened to you? the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

I got in a tiff with Riley, whispered Kelly to the beertender.

Riley? Hes just a wee fellow, the barkeep said surprised.

He must have had something in his hand.

That he did, Kelly said. A shovel it was.

Dear Lord. Didnt you have anything in your hand?

Aye, that I did – Mrs. Rileys right tit. Kelly said.

And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!

An elderly spinster called the lawyers office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, You must understand, Ive lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I dont like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinsters home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyers first question was, Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how youd like them to be distributed under your will?

She replied, Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.

Tell me, the lawyer asked, how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?

The spinster said, Well, as Ive told you, Ive lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so Id like them to notice when I pass on. Id like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.

The lawyer remarked, Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me, he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?

The spinster replied, As you know, Ive never married, Ive lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact Ive never slept with a man. Before I die, Id like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.

This is a very unusual request, the lawyer said, adding, but Ill see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request.

After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, Ill drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until youre finished.

The next morning, she drove him to the spinsters house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didnt come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, Pick me up tomorrow, shes going to let the County bury her!