A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: Your honor, a juror is asleep.
The Judge ruled: You put him to sleep! YOU wake him up!
15
Apr
15
Apr
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, Father Murphy, were you gambling?
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do. To the police officer, he then said, No, officer; I was not gambling.
The officer then asked the minister, Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, No, officer; I was not gambling.
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, With whom?
15
Apr
An
older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store
one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told
the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought
out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man
said, "I dont think you understand, I want something
very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special
stock and brought another ring over. "Heres
a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler
said.
The young ladys eyes sparkled and her whole body
trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "Well
take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the
old man stated, by check. " I know you need to
make sure my check is good, so Ill write it now and
you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
Ill pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the
old man.
"Theres no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can
you imagine the weekend I had?".
15
Apr
An Ann Arbor area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its rear end. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Michigan Wolverine fight song come out the guys butt.
Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. Sir, youve got to come down and help me, Ive just seen something I cant believe.
Annoyed by the naivete of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs. There, look at the cork in the rear end of that body, I couldnt imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it.
The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the Michigan fight song started playing. Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: Whats so surprising about that. Ive heard thousands of butt-holes sing that song.
15
Apr
An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.
He left her a note saying:
Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So Im leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. Well be staying at the Sheraton.
He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:
Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And Im sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!
15
Apr
Q: Did you hear heaven is going broke?
A: Yeah, Liberace is up there blowing all the prophets!
Liberace was a great pianist but he sucked on the organ.
Frank
reid@gold.bacs.indiana.edu
15
Apr
While practicing auto-rotations during a military
night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up
the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The
landing was so hard that it broke off the tail
boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained
upright on its skids, sliding down the runway
doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a
brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio
exchange that took place…
Tower: Sir, do you need any assistance?
Cobra: I dont know, tower, we aint done
crashin yet.
15
Apr
1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a happy meal.
3. The wheels spinning, but the hamsters dead.
4. All foam, no beer.
5. The butter has slipped off his pancake.
6. The cheese slid off his cracker.
7. Body by fisher, brains by Mattel.
8. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
9. Couldnt pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
10. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
11. As smart as bait.
12. Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.
13. Her sewing machines out of thread.
14. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
15. Her antenna doesnt pick up all channels.
16. His belt doesnt go through all the loops.
17. Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
18. Receiver is off the hook.
19. Not wired to code.
20. Skylight leaks a little.
21. She stayed on the tilt-a-whirl a bit to long.
22. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
23. Got a full 6 pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
24. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
25. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
26. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming.
27. She is so dense, light bends around her.
28. If brains were taxed, hed get a rebate.
29. Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
15
Apr
Three turtles stop in at a bar on a hot day for a beer. While theyre waiting they notice that it has started to rain.
Freddy, says the biggest turtle to the smallest, go home and fetch our umbrellas.
No, replies Freddy, because if I leave youll drink my beer.
Both of the other turtles promise they would never do such a thing, so Freddy grudgingly gets down from the stool and heads for the exit. Two weeks go by, as the turtles stare thirstily at Freddys untouched beer in front of them.
Finally one turtle says to the other, Oh, lets go ahead and drink Freddys beer. We can tell him it was never delivered.
A voice from up near the front of the bar says, If you do, Im not going home for the umbrellas!
15
Apr
You know a mans lying if his lips are moving. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. Tell him youre not his type – you have a pulse. Never let your mans mind wander – its too little to be let out alone. Never sleep with a man whos named his willy. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay. Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. Women dont make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types. If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital. If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him cheque books. Boring men are like snot – they get up your nose. Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him. If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing. Sadly, all men are created equal. There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men – strong, caring,loving – theyd be wrong – but you could still use them.